We've Moved

We have been putting it off for a long time but we finally got fed up with Blogger. We've moved the blog. As of January 1, 2007, you can read White Trash Mom at the following address:

White Trash Mom Blog

We are keeping the archives here for now and we are in the process of moving everything over to the new blog. Sorry for the inconvenience but we just couldn't do Blogger anymore. Please email me if you have any problems accessing the new blog or have any input! The NEW WHITE TRASH MOM BLOG: http://www.whitetrashmom.com

Sorry for Technical Difficulties

Hello WTMs I am in the midst of changing the blog over to TYPEPAD. Have a had ton of issues here at Blogger and so things are "in flux" for a few days. Sorry for the inconvenience! New blog will be ready by the end of the week!!!!

Holiday White Trash Mom Quiz

I know it's not technically the holiday but until the monsters return to school, it's not the average day. Here are some actual events of my holiday season that I wanted to quiz you on. Holiday Party Problem You have time left before the family comes to run one errand. Your younger child needs cream for her scratch from the NEW kitten. You are also out of tequila and must run to the liquor store. What do you do? A)Go the drugstore and get the creme for the kid. B)Go to the liquor store to get Senor Patron and your kid gets an infection C)Go to the liquor store and call one of your WT family members to bring some creme from their house. The White Trash Mom solution is "C". Of course you GO TO GET THE LIQUOR but being somewhat responsible, you ask one of your wt family members to bring the creme for the scratch. Holiday Cleaning and Laundry It's 30 minutes until the extended family arrive. You have 4 days of laundry piled up in the laundry room. Laundry room is clearly seen from the kitchen. It's a total eyesore. What do you do? A)Quickly fold and put away all the laundry. Start 7 loads ASAP. B)Put all the laundry in the back room, out of the way. C)Put up a fun curtain between the kitchen and laundry room! Tell them it's your new decor. Naturally I did OPTION C. It was my older daughter's idea, I think it was her reaction to my ranting. What are your WT Holiday Tips? Let me know!

Photoshop Makeover - Before/After Retouch Of Model

Read this WT Sisters (and Brothers) if you think that models in ads and magazines are "real". Think again. This ad from Dove and their Campaign for Real Beauty does a great job of revealing how photos of models and celebrities are unrealistically modified. This is on You Tube. Watch this for :30 seconds. You will be amazed. Go here for the link or paste in the url below into your browser. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aHLpRxAmCrw Good job to Dove for this campaign. I am glad to see it. Basically, normal women compare themselves to a standard of unrealistic beauty...that comes from Photoshop.

Top 5 Songs That Make Me Cry Before My Period

I am a crier. Especially before my period starts. I cry, approximately two days before my period, over some really non-sentimental things. Like a Tide® tv commercial. But the holidays are especially emotional and the PMS tears kick into high gear. I miss my mom and dad much more during the holidays. Even though they have been gone for years, the holidays are tough. I was crying at the song by Five for Fighting, "World", the other day and decided to just blog about it. Here's a list of the top songs that make me cry before my period. World by Five for Fighting Hard Candy Christmas by Dolly Parton Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas by Frank Sinatra Jesus, Take The Wheel by Carrie Underwood The last song I couldn't link. But the song is the main theme from "The Little Drummer Boy". The 1960's made-for-tv movie version of "The Little Drummer Boy" song. Makes me weep every single time. Spill it, sisters. What are the PMS music triggers for you? How about holiday triggers?

Rachael Ray Is Like Nails on a Chalkboard

Dear WTMs, Something is wrong with me. The popular Food Network star Rachael Ray, who stars in like 17 TV shows and has her own magazine, is a beloved media figure. She is darling, she is perky, cute and seems very nice. For some reason (I cannot put my finger on it) she drives me up a wall. Her perky voice-overs and fun on camera bits are like NAILS ON A CHALKBOARD to me. I know I am in the minority because when I mention my opinion to anyone, people look at me as if I have CLUBBED A BABY SEAL. Seriously. People are coo-coo bananas over Ms. Ray and when I mention that I don't like her (I don't even tell people how much I don't like her) people act like I have some kind of character flaw. Now that it's the holidays, she is on TV more than ever. Can any of you explain to me the following: 1)Why is she so popular? 2)Why do people think I am a bad person if I don't like her? Please discuss and get back to me. Before the next holiday party if you can.

Hostess Twinkie Truffles

Hostess Twinkie Truffles A recipe for Hostess Twinkie Truffles for a holiday dessert! Here is the wonderfully WT recipe using Hostess Twinkies. Tacky Princess and her holiday baking have inspired me to give you another WT holiday recipe. As we all know, the Hostess line of food products is a white trash kitchen staple. For this reason, I am giving all you WT cooks out there another use for the ever popular TWINKIE. Click the link and enjoy!

Recipe to Knock Muffy's Holiday Socks Off!

Confession. Tacky Princess loves to bake. Yep! It's true. And does that make me a muffy? Well, you be the judge, but I daresay it doth not! This post is actually a re-print of one I did last year, but it had a good response, so I thought you might enjoy it again. So, go make some Reindeer Chow! Ciao! I had a cooking show on yesterday while doing a million other things around my cramped kitchen. Not cooking, mind you! Our home, I believe, is like many other American homes. The kitchen is the center of the universe, you see. As you come in from the garage, everyone and their dog deposits everything they own directly onto the stove. Yes, the stove. It's one of those radiant heat, flat top jobbies. Love it (though would totally choose gas next time around...), but since it's a flat surface, it tends to get eaten up with our J-U-N-K, JUNK! Just to the right of my stove lies my desk, if you can call it that. My desk is a never-ending nightmare of papers, mail, magazines, broken toys, spare batteries and things that we're forever looking for but cannot seem to find. Once in a blue moon, it's cleared off enough to see the top of it, and ahhh, what a pleasant split second that is. . . Every eon or so. . . Other than the bar in the kitchen (read: another flat surface to throw our crap on...), the rest of the house stays relatively tidy a good deal of the time. Except for my "office", which looks like the Wicked Witch of the West rode through on her broom, looking for Toto. Thatwithstanding, our house is pleasing enough, if a little on the smallish side. But I digress. So, getting back. I was trying to tidy up in the kitchen from HELL, when I was struck with an idea! Give our dear WTM readers a little ammo against the muff's. And why not? We all need a little help now and then, right? So, I had these finely chopped pecans leftover from my favorite cookie recipe. They're not toasted or anything, so they really don't taste like anything special. And I had this epiphany! I love nuts (being one and all...), and I'm always using them in various ways in salads for dinner. Anyway, one of the ways I love to make them is by cooking them on the stove with a little sugar, to carmelize them. I do it with sliced almonds all the time. Then, I just keep them on hand. Great on a salad with a little balsamic. So, here's your recipe to keep the muff's at bay... to knock their jingling holiday socks off! Take some as a hostess gift to your next "function". Wrap with W-T-L-O-V-E, love. :) I'm calling it Reindeer Chow (or if that's just too muffy for you, call it Pecan Nuggets!): Reindeer Chow 1 cup finely chopped pecans 1/3 cup sugar 2 t. butter or butter spread (your call) Pour pecans into a medium skillet. Heat over medium to medium high. As pan begins to warm, add sugar. Stir almost constantly. As the sugar starts to melt / carmelize, add the little bit of butter, mixing it in. Reduce heat to medium low. Continue stirring, until nuts start brown and the sugar is carmelized. The nuts should now look like much like bird droppings. (Go on - taste it! You know you want to...!) Remove from heat. Spread onto a cookie sheet with a piece of wax paper on it (hate cleaning...). Let cool. Kazam! You've got Reindeer Chow! Eat it by the handful. Toss it into a salad. Use as a topping over ice cream. Add it to your favorite breakfast cereal. My daughter had some with her sliced apples and caramel dip after school yesterday. She was diggin' it, let me tell you! Just a little gift from me - Tacky Princess - to you. When the Muffy's ask for the recipe (which they invariably will do, I assure you!), just tell them you whipped it up, and you're not sure you could duplicate the recipe! Which is truly what I did, so if measurements are not perfect, sue me. Throw tinsel on me. Tie me up with garland. Cheers!

Man Calls 911 to Report Stolen Drugs

Couldn't resist a news story from my hometown, Wichita.

In the dictionary, by the word STUPID, is a picture of the guy in this story:

WICHITA, Kan. (AP) - A Wichita man called 911 to report he was the victim of an armed robbery. The theft? A pound of marijuana worth about $1,100 that he had been trying to sell at his home.

The victim told police Thursday that a buyer had pulled out a sawed-off shotgun and stole the drugs.

Police brought in a drug-sniffing dog to the house and located more marijuana and drug paraphernalia.

The victim was booked into Sedgwick County jail on several charges, including possession with the intent to sell drug.

The thief has not been found.

White Trash Mom book

Dear WT Moms, It's finally official. White Trash Mom is going to be a book. I've been dying to tell you. I am working on it right now, along with my sidekick Tacky Princess, to spread the news of "white trash" sanity to moms and dads everywhere. See below for the details. From Publisher's Marketplace on December 12 Blogger and designer Michelle Lamar's THE WHITE TRASH MOM GIVES ADVICE: Or Why Perfection is Overrated, a humorous but practical guidebook for every woman who's ever struggled with baking, making Halloween costumes from scratch or the pervasive evil known as school volunteering,to Shelia Oakes at St. Martin's, by Stephanie Kip Rostan at Levine Greenberg Literary Agency. I am psyched as I love writing this blog. It's cheaper than therapy and has been a surprise in so many ways. I have a blast writing the blog and I've met so many cool people. Thanks for the inspiration my WT friends!

Sorry for Technical Difficulties

The blog is having technical issues this week----sorry for the inconvenience. A big THANK YOU to Karen Rani at Troll Baby Graphics (and the awesome Troll Baby Blog) for her emergency blog repair. Karen, you are awesome and I really appreciate your efforts. The blog got weird this weekend (of course) when I really needed it to be up and running. Just one more reason to move from BLOGGER. Just one more reason to move from Blogger to another blog service.

Potty Humor-Perfect Gifts

Does my White Trash heart good to see another mom getting potty humor gifts this holiday! From the awesome ROCKS IN A DRYER blog...a very special holiday treat! Animals that poop! A polar bear, a moose, a penguin..you know they'll love them. Go to Rocks in a Dryer for the info but I just had to pass along!

"It's a Wonderful Life"

I love the movie "It's a Wonderful Life". Even if you're not crazy about the movie, you need to read an essay about the reason why the movie still moves so many people. Roger Rosenblatt wrote an awesome essay about the movie and the "subtle and casual" surprise of friendship. Read the essay by Roger Rosenblatt for the December 11, 2000 issue of Time magazine. Here's a sample from the essay: Just when George thinks he's alone in the world, the world shows up to declare its love for him.

This is what the picture is about--the subtle and casual surprise of friendship. Most of the time, we go along clouded by the suspicion, often justified, that we're alone in the world.

Then once in a while, miraculously, we're proved wrong. Friends appear at the front door prepared to gather round and save us. The reversal of feeling is as blindsiding as it is moving, especially at the time of year when the deserting light can leave us alone in the dark. Suddenly we have company. Suddenly it's a wonderful life.

Rosenblatt points out that friendship is something very subtle:

Unlike romantic love, the emotion is generally undemonstrative; it is made up of the things we do not do--betray, belittle, be harsh. When friendship does manifest itself, we often don't see it coming, which is where friendship gets its power--from the slow, cordial dance of ordinary life.

Read this great essay and pass it along during the holiday.

Its+a+Wonderful+Life holiday inspiration

Size 12 is Too Big

Here's an example of the insane standards of "beauty". Top picture is the beauty contestant that is "too large" and the BOTTOM picture is the model that was considered to be ideal. This story is a true story from the DAILY MAIL, in Great Britain. Link to this story by clicking on today's title, Size 12 is Too Big. Here's a quick overview for you:

Poured into a gold swimsuit, Make Me A Supermodel winner Jen Hunter looks as if this outfit was custom-made for her.

But the one-piece triggered a furious row about stick-thin models when her rival finalist Marianne Berglund appeared painfully underweight in the same attire.

Jen Hunter, age 24, is a contestant on a British Reality TV show. She's a healthy size 12 and was reduced to tears by judges, who gave her harsh words because she "wasn't taking the exercise and diet program seriously". Can you believe this! If this isn't just a snapshot of how sick and twisted things are....I don't know what is. Talk to me people.

Daily+Mail Jen+Hunter Size+12 Make+Me+A+Supermodel

New WT Mom Recommended Reading

I found a new WT Mom blog from a woman that isn't even a WT Mom. Or any other kind of mom. But I am a new fan of the blog Not Without My Handbag. It's weird, wacky and you need to take 5 minutes to visit. Samples of the "Bad Baby Name" section are below. Her answers to the parental questions are in RED. Sample from THE BAD BABY NAME BLOG:

• We aren't having kids for another year or two, but we like Kellyna Nychole, Taryn Mykah and Mykenzie Kathryn for girls. This woman was indicted under the Flagrant Over-Use of the Letters K and Y Act of 1983.

• Brooklyn Makenzie or Alexia for a girl and Hunter Gage, Justus Brice, or Darian for a boy and... The name Jaden for a girl or boy . Child grows up to become character in Danielle Steele novel.

• I once met a lady named Rodana. I think she runs a successful internet business. In her spare time she destroys Tokyo.

As if the great snarky comments above weren't enough to get you to visit this blog, your WT hearts will warm at one of her answers for the "FAQ" section. Question was about the fact that her blog's forum had a swear word in it from one of the participants: Other baby name sites ban swearing; they also ban free expression of contrary opinions. So I allow both. So cram it. Here's the URL, in case I messed up the link to it above. Go there NOW. http://www.notwithoutmyhandbag.com/babynames/index.html

Welcome to My Trailer Park

Dear WTMs, Sometimes when I write about my white trash life, you might think I am kidding. However, if you look at the snow fort that was left in my front yard----this is the view from the street----you can clearly see that the only thing missing from this picture is the car on the cinder blocks. This is what remains of the front yard snow fort on Monday AM. My girls and neighbors built this fort AND a backyard fort over the weekend. The snow was wet and perfect, they had a blast. Here are two more pics of the fort. http://www.flickr.com/photos/whitetrashmom/ I did not see this masterpiece until Sunday, as it's in the front yard, east side. It's not that our yard is so huge---I am just lazy and didn't go over there. I asked the girls about it and they said that "Dad said we could leave it up". I was horrified for about 10 seconds (what would the neighbors think). Then I remembered the words of my very wise husband: Memories are the most important gifts we can give our girls. My husband is so good at this and has created so many good memories, especially at the holidays for the girls. He is so wise at knowing when it's right to let the "rules" relax and when to stick to them. I am more laid back with the kids overall. But he is the genius that knows when to let them make a mess, helps them make the mess and LOVES to encourage them to do stuff will make awesome memories for the rest of their lives. It is this reason that he really is a better parent than me, although I would never admit this fact to him. During the holiday season, the man puts me to shame, honest to God. I tend to look at the snow and the fact that my good glasses are left outside and I start to get peeved (I know who is going to help them clean it up). But Tim reminds me that especially at holidays, we need to "make the memory". He reminds me that the girls aren't with us all that long and that once they get older, they won't want to do these things. He instantly helps me realize how precious these times are and to let the rules go. I know today's post is so very sappy but I wanted to explain just how wonderful my husband is and I knew you WTMs would get a kick out of the scene in my front yard. Happy Monday!

Ah, the Snow Day

Ah, the Snow Day. The kids are outside romping in the beautiful white snow. Me inside baking ginger cookies and sipping hot chocolate, watching fondly from the frost-covered windows. Wishing it could go on like this forever. AS IF!!!!!!!!!!!! That would be the Lisa from PB Kids scenario. You know the one where everyone and everything looks, smells and acts perfect all the time? Here's the real deal... TP: Why don't you go play in the snow? It's beautiful and perfect for sledding. Thing 1: I don't have any snow pants. TP: That's no problem. Just put some extra layers on. That's what we always did. Thing 2: And I don't have any good gloves for snow. Mine are too small. TP: No problem. You can borrow mine. Thing 2: Uh, Mom. Your hands are like a giant's compared to mine. TP: No problem. Just stuff some Kleenex in the ends. That'll keep you even warmer. (smiling...) Thing 1: And I need a shower (this, as if a sudden epiphany...). TP: No problem. You can take it afterward. That makes more sense anyway. Thing 2: But I don't have any friends in the neighborhood. TP: No problem. You have a built-in friend right here. Your sister. (smiling...) Thing1: Mom, it's like, totally freezing out. TP: No problem. That's what your new coat is for. It's got that cool Thermo-nuclear-insulate-layer to keep you toasty warm, remember?! Thing 2: And my boots don't fit. TP: No problem. You can wear your sister's old ones. They should be just right by now. (smiling...) Thing 1: I don't have any snow pants. OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm going to have to beat them. Seriously. Call Social Services. I can't be held responsible for my own actions any longer. The smile is creasing my face and causing me serious pain. My face might just crack. Pass me the Senor Patron, Queen. It's my turn... So, I finally manage to shove them out the door after about an hour of tussle. (No, I'm not kidding...) I sit down at the computer to get a little work done, thinking maybe some of my day can be billable after all. NINE minutes tick by on the clock. The back door flies open. Thing 1: (Covered in snow) I have to go to the bathroom. (Of course, you do. You are Thing 1, and that is your M.O.) She proceeds to strip off the 14 layers of clothing that took her one hour to put on...and heads to the bathroom, which is all of 6 feet away. Thing 2: (Shrieking into house, directly followed by dog, who is quite literally covered in huge globs of snow. Dog is grinning from ear to ear...) Oh my gosh, it is, like, so, like freezing out there. It could, like, freeze your nose, like, right off your face. This from the child who has on her lightest weight winter coat, no scarf or hat and the pair of makeshift gloves her child-abusing mother made her wear. Her hightop's are soaked, and she collapses onto the mudroom floor, as if she has just run a marathon in the snow. Thing 2: I'm done. It's, like, way too cold. Yep. That's it. 9 minutes of respite for over an hour of hellish preparation. Thing 1: (coming out of the bathroom) What are you doing? Thing 2: I'm done. It's, like, colder than the arctic out there. Thing 1: Yeah. I don't have any snow pants anyway.

Senor Patron-Vital Fluid for Snow Days

Dear WTMs, It is day 3 of the ice and snow storm. It is day 3 of my children and I being here at home, as the storm rages outside. My husband is a winter loving, snow happy guy. Loves snow, loves the cold and he is as excited as the kids for a snow day. I know I should treasure these moments, I really do, because the kids are growing up fast. This being said, I am on my last nerve. My house has coats, gloves, wet stuff everywhere and I have spent the daylight hours today trying to do work via home computer while yelling at the girls, their friends to pick up their stuff, scrub hot chocolate off the antique wood table and get the dog out of the make shift diaper they made from my pink pashmina. Swear to God--my beautiful pink pashmina is now a dog diaper due to my 1:00 conference call. They KNOW when I can't yell at them and make full use of this opportunity. My husband came home dejected today, asking how the "snow day" was. I am sure he imagined me and the kids, having fun in the beautiful snow. I didn't have the heart to tell him my younger daughter got in trouble for making a "pretend spa" set up with my only good mixing bowls and some wonderful prescription only creams. I couldn't tell him that my older daughter didn't make a spa but spent a great deal of time in her room today, due to some MAJOR pre-teen attitude. I sure as hell didn't tell him about the pink pashmina and the dog diaper. This evening, the roads are clear enough tonight for me to escape to my friend's house with my Senor Patron. I am taking BEST IN SHOW and Senor Patron over for a much needed break. I have US and PEOPLE. My husband is making cookies with the kids while I slink over to my friends to drink the snow day away. Sweet dreams, WTMs.

The Consumerist

I am stalking a new blog. I'm sure everyone but me has been reading it for ages but I just found THE CONSUMERIST. This blog gives consumers all kinds of tips on how to save money and is a watchdog for consumers. This blog blasts products and companies that try to mess with the average consumer. Consumer Reports, a fine organization has done this for years. The Consumerist is kind of like Consumer Reports but with a hard ass attitude and a few shots of tequila. The writers call it like they see it---and they are BRUTAL. Dig if you will, a few of the recent headlines:

• Receipt Checking is for Pussies
• Why You Bought the RAZR and Why It Sucks Ass
• Wii Breaks More TV's Than Elvis

Okay----so you might not want to recommend it to your elderly neighbor but I just think this is a great blog to stalk regularly.

I'm sure ranting about The Consumerist makes you think I am pulling an "Eddie Haskell" blogging brown-nose but I swear that I truly love this blog and if I could I would marry it.

I think dumb organizations like the VOLKSWAGEN CREDIT group should have to spend 15 minutes in a room with the people over at The Consumerist. The Volkswagen folks would be crying like the sissies that they ARE. See article here about the scam Volkswagen tried to pull in the name of "Holiday Best Wishes"

I'm so fired up about this blog because I love to see tools and information that gives back power to the people---all the people---that isn't spun or filtered. I thought that my white trash sisters and brothers would appreciate this awesome blog.

The+Consumerist, Volkswagen, blogs

Looking for Inspiration...

Hello, WTM's. I seem to have been uninspired of late. Unlike our illustrious queen, who has graced us with a plethora of posts to keep us pondering our WT existence... :) So, I figure I'll turn to you, my WT sisters. What's new in your worlds? I'm feeling a little ver-clempt. Tawk amongst yourselves. I'll give you a taw-pic: Thanksgiving with the family: Warm fuzzies or cold and clammy? Fond memories or can't wait to lay a scratch out of the driveway of Aunt Bessie's? Martha Stewart or Roseann Barr? June Cleaver or Mommie Dearest? Football or Planes, Trains and Automobiles (one of my personal all-time fav's...)? Dry or moist? You get the picture. Let's hear it, sisters! Tell us all about your Turkey Day! P.S. Thought I'd share a pic of our jack-o-lanterns, too. Yes, I know I'm a little late, but that's part of what being WT is all about. And yes, that is a cyclops. Also, do note the lovely garden hose off to the side. Moved out of the road just for the pic...OK, send me your stories, ladies!

Celebs give White Trash a Bad Name

I've been helping out over at Celebitchy so I am keeping up to date with all of the trashy celebrity news. I am white trash but some of the recent celebrity antics are giving "WT" a bad name. There needs to be a new word in the dictionary to describe some of the trashy celeb moms, as white trash is way too classy. Exhibit A Britney "I'm a Complete Dumbass" Spears & Her BFF Paris Hilton Brit and Paris are getting party pics all over the place so that K-Fed has plenty of ammo for the custody battle! If you click on today's title, you can see what I am talking about. Exhibit B Pamela Anderson's Shocking Break Up with "Kid Rock" Pammy, you are a mama for God's sake. Kids can't have too many "Uncle Daddy" types around without it screwing them up in a MAJOR way. When you marry a dude that calls himself "Kid" why are you surprised that he's not hubby material? Exhibit C Maddonna's Better Than Death Time magazine recently had a great motherhood quote from Madonna, regarding her adoption of the little Malawian boy: "Even if I'm the worst mother in the world, I'm better than DEATH!" White Trash Moms we need a new word. There is a PRIZE for the WTM (or Dad) that comes up with the new word. It's a very valuable prize (worth $3) but you will get credit for creating the word in the WTM Hall of Fame. Put on your thinking caps, grap another cup of coffee and give me the new word to describe these moms! Britney+Spears Celebitchy Maddonna Celebrities

HBO "Thin" -Real Life is More Painful

Over the Thanksgiving holiday I saw some pals from college. One of my friends lives far away and I get to see her about once a year. My friend had bulimia in college----and still fights that battle, twenty years later. Call me shallow but when I was in college, it was not that big of a deal to be anorexic or bulimic. Nearly everyone I knew was on diet, a lot of people had done the "scarf and barf" method of weight loss prior. WT Campers---I am not saying it was right, I am just telling you the way it WAS. At the sorority ( "Delta Delta Delta-Can I Help You Help You Help You") the bathroom by our chapter room was for "Scarf and Barf". It was widely known and accepted that the chapter room restroom was pretty much just for the sisters that barfed up their food. Insert dorm or sorority---it was pretty common everywhere. There is a point here. The point is that the weight/thin issue has been on my mind a lot lately.

• I have an almost 13-year-old girl who is not "concentration camp" thin----and I have trouble finding her clothes!
• I have an 8 year old that can wear a size SMALL---for Women's t-shirts!

The documentary that is on HBO has brought a lot of this to the forefront and gotten people talking. But when I saw my friend from college...I just have to tell you that it just HURTS ME TO SEE HER STRUGGLE WITH IT STILL. My friend is accomplished. She has a beautiful family. She is a wonderful giving person. If she could only see herself how others see her...she would realize that she's beautiful inside and out. I know she is still struggling with bulimia (even though she tells me she's fine, tells others she is "over it") I can tell BY HER TEETH. Her teeth are discolored and it is one of the telling signs of someone that is throwing up alot. I know that her obsession and illness is going to take her from this world earlier than she should go. Throwing up on a consistent basis is not healthy and this will do her body harm in ways that have not shown up yet. You can't do that kind of damage to the body without harm. I know this is a rant but I am just so sad. I wish things were different. I wish something could be done so that so many women did not feel the pressure to be perfect, thin. Does anyone have any ideas, thoughts, opinions? Help me try to come up with some positive ways to combat this trend. I can't just sit and watch anymore.

HBO+Thin Bulimia Weight+Issues THIN+Documentary

CNN Newsflash-Celebrities are Too Thin!

Ground breaking news, WT campers. Are you ready for this? CNN had a special report last night on: Too Thin Celebrities (and How Celebs Have Extra Help Losing Baby Weight). Newsflash from WTM to CNN: No shit! Thank you CNN for pointing out THE OBVIOUS. We've been shouting this at the top of our lungs for about 10 YEARS! What were the first clues? Most celebrities are a size ZERO while the average American woman is a size 12 to 14? Most popular celebs look like concentration camp victims? A 48 pound girl can wear a women's size SMALL? I guess I should be happy that CNN is even covering this issue. But I'm still pissed. Anyone?

THIN HBO+Thin Weight Thin+Celebrities

Only a Friend Would Dress Your Kid Like a Hooker

Only a best friend would dress up your child like a hooker. We spent part of the weekend with some of my best friends-----I've known these friends since I was 5. I am now 43. Do the math and you'll come up with years of dysfunction, fun and laughter. One of these BF's is Godmother to my youngest daughter. These two women and their families are considered family by my kids and it was great to see them. There is only one drawback. My friends have no young girls. One BF has a college age daughter. The other BF has a son in 4th grade. Therefore, it is way fun for them to play dress up with "Miss Minnesota", my 8 year old daughter. Miss Minnesota is now the proud owner of a pair of black high heels with a "peek a boo" toe. She wears them 24/7. She tried to wear them yesterday to 5 o'clock mass. I was so proud. Did any of you experience family fun like this? Spill it sisters.

Pug Bowling

Pug Bowling is a great time waster! I am a pug owner and pug addict. But this video clip is toooooo funny, even if you are not a pug addict. Go here to see PUG BOWLING. No pugs were harmed in the making of this clip. Watch entire thing----it's worth it. pug+bowling, pug, animals, dogs, funny, you tube

Martha Stewart Can't Handle the Truth!

Martha Stewart wants your Thanksgiving stories. According to the headlines on YAHOO.com, Martha Stewart is asking for people to tell her about their "biggest Thanksgiving disaster". I guess over 2,000 people have actually told Martha Stewart their tales of Thanksgiving woe. AS IF! White Trash Mom to Martha: The truth? YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH! Let's see...what is Martha's biggest dinner nightmare? Ooo I know! She doesn't have matching cloth napkins for the dessert plates? OR...her assistant forgot to set a placecard for one of the 40 guests that she had over for a Thanksgivng day brunch? That's awful. The truth, Martha? You really want the truth? Take a stroll through some of these Hallmark Card Thanksgiving memories: Childhood WT Memories

• One of my relatives got so drunk before the meal that he feel asleep in his DINNER
• My parents got in a horrible fight so my siblings and I went to a movie on Thanksgiving

Adult WT Memories

• We ate nothing because I was supposed to be in labor...and the baby was late.
• Spent Thanksgiving in the ER in Wichita Kansas. My toddler threw up so much while we were visiting family that we had to take her to the emergency room. Just outside the ER, there was a DRIVE BY SHOOTING. It was a really special and heartfelt holiday.

Martha+Stewart Thanksgiving WhiteTrashMom

Thankful K-Mart is Open Thanksgiving Day

We can all be thankful on Thanksgiving Day that K-Mart is open. The pilgrims landed on Plymouth Rock seeking freedom from religious persecution so that K-Mart could be open on Thanksgiving Day. I don't know about you but to ME it's crucial to take the K-Mart workers away from their families so that I can buy some Martha Stewart towels on Thanksgiving morning or buy some Tide® on sale. Call me old fashioned, call me white trash but I think the world could go on if K-Mart was closed for Thanksgiving. K-Mart is very important, I know, but I think we could do without all the stuff that K-Mart provides...for one day. Don't you? After all, the pilgrims didn't have a K-Mart and they were fine. Talk to me, my WT bloggers!

Thanksgiving KMart Open+Thanksgiving

White Trash Mom Writes for Celebitchy

Dear WTMs, White Trash Mom is now a contributing writer for the celebrity blog CELEBITCHY. I am honored to be able to bring my white trash point-of-view to CELEBITCHY. Trashy celebrities are always making the news, giving me tons to write about. This just proves what all of us have known from the start---White Trash is cool.

celebitchy whitetrashmom

Regiftable.com-Web Site for Regifting

Dear WTMs, Regifting. You know you've done it. The George Foreman grill from Uncle Eddy you gave to your neighbor's daughter for a wedding gift, the cheesey biography book, the rum raisin poundcake...all regifts. Regifters...there is now a website for you. Regiftable.com. I guess the regifting syndrome is coming out of the closet. Rejoice my WT regifters! Go forth to your new favorite website.

regiftable.com regifting holiday+gift tacky

Thanksgiving Twinkie Kebob

Are you, like Tacky Princess, knocking your head against the wall, trying to make the traditional pie for Thanksgiving dessert? Just serve up some TWINKIE KEBOBS and see your elderly Aunt Essie have a total cow! Add a little zip to your Thanksgiving din din, using one of the staples of white trash cooking, the Hostess Twinkie. Twinkie Kebobs Items Needed:

• Hostess Twinkies, 1 for each serving
• Strawberries or other fruit
• Soft candies
• Stick/Kebob Thingys

1. Cut each Twinkie into four equal pieces. 2. Stick Twinkies, strawberries (or other fruit) and soft candies on kebob rods. Note to the severely cooking impaired: Stick the kebob stick through the Twinkie, not the cream filling. FYI. thanksgiving whitetrashmom twinkie+dessert

White Trash Puffballs

White Trash Puffballs-More WT Thanksgiving Ideas! Make your doublewide a welcoming place for the family. Serve up some WT puffballs. WT Mom takes care of you, doesn't she?

1	package hormel sliced pepperoni (or any brand)
1	package cream cheese
2	packages Pillsbury Refrigerated Crescent Dinner Roll

1. Take out the crescent rolls, and seperate into the individual triangles.
2. Flatten each triangle and slice it so that it becomes three small triangles.
3. Dice or chop your pepperoni into tiny, tiny pieces.
4. Mix the pepperoni into the cream cheese, stir very well so all of the pepperoni pieces are mixed into the cream cheese.
5. Take a little spoonful of your cream cheese/pepperoni mixture and put it in the middle of one of your crescent rolls triangles.
6. Pinch up all of the sides around the filling.
7. Repeat and place them all on a cookie sheet.
8. Bake for the amount of time stated on the crescent rolls (usually 11 minutes at 350) Let cool for a few minutes before serving!

thanksgiving white+trash

Lindsay Lohan Doll with Hotub in SUV

Dear WTMs, Just a quick post this weekend, while I am putting off the hellish house cleaning for the holiday! Found this at Celebitchy. The Lindsay Lohan Doll---complete with her SUV that contains a hotub. Are we nearing the bottom? Tell me we are. See for youself by going to Celebitchy. According to celebitchy...pills and vomit are not included.

Like I Have Time For That...

PB's ideas for the kids before the Thanksgiving meals are a completely foreign idea to me. The idea that the person who is preparing a two-legged beast, mashy pote's, stuffing and pumpkin pie for 23 people to nosh on has even the slightest bit of EXTRA time on HER hands (c'mon, you and I BOTH know it's the women preparing these feasts...) is so funny that I forgot to play the laugh track. I spent nearly all of my day off yesterday baking 6 pies. I spent most of the rest of the day pondering how I would be handling preparing the remainder of the meal in addition to the dessert - THE MOST IMPORTANT PART OF ANY MEAL, IN MY HUMBLE WTM OPINION. Fortunately, I am not the illustrious hostess - this year. My side of the family's celebration is THIS weekend... and while I am no Martha Stewart, I CAN cook AND bake, in spite of my WTM status (which, I obviously wear proudly). However, as I find myself with a miserable cold at the moment, I am moving at the pace of a 78 year old tortoise. It's not pretty. I complete a small task and then have to take a little break - or, worse yet, a nap. It's pretty pathetic. Anyway, a CRAFT for the little kids to work on while the hostess is finishing preparing the meal? So they can slime the table with glue? So they can whine that their turkey doesn't look like the one in the pretty picture in the magazine? So they can pull on my apron strings to ask for help and make me liable to do things that will garner me a visit from Family Services? Thank you, NOOOOOO! Who are these people kidding? What planet are they living on? Maybe they live in the UK, where they don't celebrate Thanksgiving...or, maybe, as the Queen of WT herself has suggested in the past, they have a slew of robot-like servant types who cater to their every whim. Wake up, and sniff the craft glue, PB. Get a dose of reality. And while you're at it, check the turkey to see if that little red thingey has popped out yet, will ya'?.

Pottery Barn versus Reality-Thanksgiving Craft

Dear WTMs, I journey once again into my love/hate relationship with Pottery Barn. Today's "PB vs Reality Moment" is Pottery Barn Kids Thanksgiving Craft. Per the "PBK" website, those zany folks want you to spice up your kid's holiday table with homemade centerpieces! According to "PBK" it helps the children feel involved and gives them something to do! I can't imagine a more stressful way to kick off the holiday than to give children glue and scissors before the meal. White Trash Mom has some questions for the peeps at Pottery Barn Kids regarding the nifty craft idea:

• Who is going to take little Tommy to the ER after Molly pokes him with the scissors?

• If they kids want to be involved, why not involve them in cleaning the guest bathroom before company arrives? Guest bath is currently a Barbie pool so taking the naked Barbies out of the sink would be nice.

• If kids want something to do, why not have them help Mom and Dad with the Thanksgiving meal? Or at least get Uncle Bob a beer from the frig while he watches the football game?

• Glue before a meal? If they eat the glue, they won't eat their dinner.

• What do you suggest when the newly created centerpiece becomes a football?

• My nephew thought it would be funny to make the turkey anatomically correct. Would you like to take a photo of his centerpiece for next year's catalog?

• Do you have any other completely insane suggestions from LALA land?

If you want to read more about the "PBK" craft idea, please click on today's blog entry title. If you can't tell, I think a craft centerpiece created before the meal sounds like a slice of HELL. Please tell me what you think. Am I negative? Wrong? Anyone? Bueller?

White Trash Mom Holiday Shortcut #1

Design Mom has given us a shortcut to having the kids make holiday cards. Design Mom's tip is right here. Besides saving us time and effort, Design Mom has given us another tool in our WTM war with the "Muffia"! Can you imagine how upset the muffia moms will be when you, the WTM, send out your Christmas cards with awesome kid artwork? It just puts me in a holiday mood!

Spam Burrito for Pesky Relatives

Dear WTMs, Are you dreading the holidays more than usual this year? Are you stuck with unwanted house guests (your 2nd cousins, your senile uncle and his 3rd wife)? White Trash Mom has the answer! Make sure these annoying family members don't stay at YOUR HOUSE next year! How, you ask? It's simple. Feed them really BAD food. You don't have to be mean or make your home a pigpen---just have two or three days of really bad chow and they'll be sure to call your SISTER next year! One excellent recipe to drive away the free loading relatives is....the popular Spam Breakfast Burrito. YUM! More recipes coming as we count down to Thanksgiving...WT style!

                          SPAM BREAKFAST BURRITOS
 
Recipe By     :
Serving Size  : 6    Preparation Time :0:00
Categories    : Main Dish                        Breakfast

  Amount  Measure       Ingredient -- Preparation Method
--------  ------------  --------------------------------
   1       cn           SPAM Luncheon Meat, cubed
                        -(12 oz)
   4                    Eggs
   2       tb           Milk
   1       tb           Butter or margarine
   6                    Flour tortillas (6")
   1       c            Shredded Cheddar cheese,
                        -divided
   1       c            Shredded Monterey Jack
                        -cheese, divided
                        CHI-CHI's Salsa to Taco
                        -Sauce

  Heat oven to 400'F. In bowl, beat together SPAM, eggs,
  and milk. Melt butter in large skillet; add egg
  mixture. Cook, stirring, to desired doneness. Fill
  each tortilla with SPAM mixture and half of cheeses.
  Roll burrito; place seam side down on 12x8" baking
  dish. Sprinkle remaining cheese over top of burritos.
  Bake 5-10 minutes of until cheese is melted. Serve
  with salsa.

Pottery Barn Versus Reality During the Holidays

Dear WTMs, I pick on Pottery Barn. I especially pick on PotteryBarnKids. I am a hypocrite that I rant about PB & "PBK" since I also covet their products. There is a point here. The point, dear WT Readers is that while I want their stuff and I am a card carrying member of the PB customer club, PotteryBarn and Pottery Barn Kids represent the retail side of the PERFECTION MYTH. The big lie. You know what I am talking about. The lie that all of us modern women got spoon fed during the "women's lib" years...that you can "have it all" AND that you can have it all while you:

• make buckets of money
• are concentration camp THIN
• bake homemade bread
• design craft projects for your kids
• speak Mandarin Chinese fluently
• romp like a sex kitten with your man

I don't blame Pottery Barn for the big lie. However, I would like to point out the following Pottery Barn Versus Reality Holiday Moment. Today's "PB vs Reality Moment" is the picture of the PBK perfect Thanksgiving table for the kids. Picture from PBK shows the children laughing and playing at the festive and fun decorated table for the children (all the perfect adults are in the other room, with Norman Rockwell). It's perfect, it's wonderful...it's a complete and insane fantasy. Here is why it's a fantasy:

• None of the children are picking their noses
• The children are not squabbling
• All kids have clean, non stained clothing
• None of the older kids are trying to sample Uncle Jack's "toddy"
• There is no dog nearby getting fed under the table
• No children are whining
• No one is sick (there is always a sick one, every holiday)
• And finally---the plates and utensils actually match.

Anyone? Bueller? What am I missing? Chime in! thanksgiving PotteryBarn whitetrashmom

Center for the Prevention of Shopping Cart Abuse

Dear WTMs, Mondays stink. Here is a really stupid website that might bring a smile to your Monday. Center for the Prevention of Shopping Cart Abuse.

Watch Out Pet Food Pranksters!

Dear WTMs, Read in the news about a guy that sued for $2.7 million because someone tricked him and served him dog food as a prank. While I am not trying to take away from this man's situation (sounded like more than just a prank), this $2.7 million dollar verdict strikes FEAR into my WT heart because of all of the MEOW MIX incidents that I have masterminded and been a part of over the years. Confession time. It's pretty clear I am a little immature since I named my blog White Trash Mom. But what you don't know is that I have, on many occasions, tricked people into eating MEOW MIX by mixing it with CHEX mix...As a JOKE, a prank, a lark. Starting in childhood, we would regularly do this to my older brother and his friends. Fast forward to college and adult life----this practice continued even into my late 30's! I had a client that I worked with for many years, that was almost as immature as I was. Therefore, we would regularly prank eat other, with the "Meow Mix-Chex Mix" as one of my standards. This means that NOT counting my brother (due to the sister-brother NO SUE clause) that I could be sued by a number of my brother's friends, various sorority sisters, friends and even my former client. Clearly I need to start raising my legal fund NOW. Are there any other PET FOOD PRANKSTERS out there? Confess now and let's help each other raise money for legal aid.

Dysfunctional Family Letter Generator

Dear WTMs, I know it's far too early for WTMs to be thinking about holiday cards. However, I found this on DIGG----The Dysfunctional Family Letter Generator. An excellent way to waste time and laugh. And not too far from the truth---am I right? Enjoy my sisters in WT! Go here to waste time!

Lies Your Mother Told You

Dear WTMs More excellent useless trivia information for you. This is a thing I found about "LIES YOUR MOTHER TOLD YOU". Clearly the person who wrote this was not a mom...because as all of us mothers know, what we tell our children has nothing to do with truth, reality or logic. Enjoy these useless factoids by clicking here.

I am a registered sex offender t-shirt

Dear WTMs, If these guys have to be walking the streets, a Delaware judge has a great solution. Wanted to share! Found it on DIGG. Click here to read story or click on title of today's post. A Delaware judge on Friday ordered a man who twice exposed himself to a 10-year-old girl at his workplace to wear a T-shirt with the words: "I am a registered sex offender" in bold letters. Score one for the people! Anyone?

Something Wrong With This Picture...

OK, there’s something wrong with this picture…every weekend spent running our kids to and fro…all the various activities. All the time we spend helping them with their homework. Studying for tests. Watching their games, recitals, putting on the birthday parties…Give, give, give. And what do kids do? TAKE, TAKE, TAKE!!!!! I know, I know… they’re only kids. But whatever happened to playing kick the can til it got dark and then maybe squeezing in a quick round of Sardines before you had to go inside? And what about the card game, Spoons? What about having 5 channels to choose from? NBC, CBS, ABC, and 2 UHF’s – IF they would come in when you jiggled the dial just right. What about going for a Sunday drive? And what about just being bored? Don’t you remember spending a significant portion of your youth being bored out of your minds? I know I do! And guess what. I submit to you that there was absolutely nothing wrong with that. In fact, I’ll go a step further, and say that we were better off for it. We became self-sufficient, independent-thinking adults who don’t require constant entertainment. When we got bored, we figured out something to DO. We didn't go and rob or vandalize a neighbor's house. Honestly, I think part of the problem here is that we are so in tune with our kids’ lives. We seem to know everything that’s going on… and I’m not so convinced that this is a good thing. Oh, I used to think I wanted to know. That was before I had friends whose kids stayed out all night, and they’re still wondering (to this very day…) what they were doing all night. That was before you started hearing about the choking game that kids are “playing”. That was before kids were getting caught bringing guns to school. Now granted, my husband and I grew up in the good ol' fairy tale days where if a teenager was caught driving drunk (and I don’t mean he had a couple of beers – I mean D-R-U-N-K: DRUNK!), the cop simply offered to drive him home to make sure he made it home safely. Uh-huh. For real. We grew up in the days when our parents operated under the principal that what they didn’t know wouldn't kill them – or US, apparently. We grew up in the days where we actually drove all the way across the country on a family trip with nary a seat belt. And not only that, we reclined on the seat. Here’s how it worked in our car. One of my brothers got sandwiched in between Mom and Dad in the front seat. The other was in the back with me and my sister. He usually got the whole backseat to himself – reclining. Then, my sister and I took turns – trading off where we reclined. One of us was on the hump in the middle of the floor (man, sometimes that got so hot, you could burn the hair right off your calves and thighs.!). And then - are you with me, ladies? The luckiest one of all got to ride in the back ledge of the car. Yup. The back ledge. I swear, I don’t know how we lived to reach the ripe old age of teenager-dom, let alone actual adulthood. It’s really quite a miracle, don’t you think?

Thin-HBO Documentary

Dear WTMs, Shifting gears from the euphoria of the last few days. One of the new sponsors of "WTM" is Home Box Office. HBO is promoting a movie about a subject that I believe is a cancer in our culture. Movie is called "THIN" and it airs next week. Before you rant about me "selling out" to promote advertisers, please read on. Like most women, I have had my battles with "food issues" over the years. I am currently at my lowest weight in years (I mention this so the people that claim my "hang up" is because I'm overweight can just zip it). But the emphasis that is put on being thin in our society is so pervasive that I am overwhelmed on how to combat it. My daughters are constantly given the message that "concentration camp thin" is COOL. Look at the cool people, look at FASHION. I am not blaming Hollywood, not blaming the fashion world. But the focus on being thin is a very powerful message in our daily lives and if you don't agree----you are in deee-nial.

Last August I did a post about how my youngest daughter could EASILY fit into a WOMEN'S SIZE SMALL t-shirt. You can read the post HERE but the summary of that post is below: There is something really really wrong in the world, wrong with the clothing industry when a 48 pound girl can wear a shirt made for a grown woman. It's not like the shirt is too big either----the shirt FITS. And what is even worse---the shirt she tried on was not a fluke. She could wear a whole bunch of them! Will blog more about this later but I wanted to bring this to your attention. You can learn more about this program by clicking on today's blog title or just paste the address below into your web browser.

http://www.hbo.com/docs/programs/thin/index.html

Free At Last! Free At Last! Britney FINALLY Listens to White Trash Mom

Dear WTMs, Free At Last! Free At Last! Finally, Britney has her WTM head on right. She's dumping K-FED! THANK YOU to my WTM Angel, "LA" for giving me the word on this major WT current event. Thank GOD that Britney has finally listened to WTM and all of her WTM sisters----and a few hundred other people----and kicked Kevin to the curb. A congratulations letter is in order, don't you think? Dear Britney- My daddy always said that life is what you make it. You can make it chicken SHIT or chicken SALAD. I am glad to see that you are FINALLY making some CHICKEN SALAD by getting rid of that chickenshit of a husband, K-Fed. Honey, you did try to make it work. I have to give that to you. But like I said in my other letters, that K-FED boy you married is NOT daddy material in the long haul. Good to see that you are listening to people that really care for you and you are thinking of your kids. You looked awesome on Letterman. You're back to your fighting weight and ready to get back to life. Me and the other WTMs are so proud! You have a great lawyer, you look great and you have an iron clad pre-nup. And you know the old Trailer Park saying: THIRD TIME'S THE CHARM! Good job gettin' the D-I-V-O-R-C-E started. Love and kisses, White Trash Mom PS Story is HERE, thanks again to "LA".

Kirstie Alley -White Trash Mom HALL OF FAME

Dear WTMs, I adore Kristie Alley for a number of reasons. First, she is from Wichita, Kansas, my hometown.** Second, because she starred in one of the best movies EVER made...DROP DEAD GORGEOUS. Third, because she got fat after having kids. But she made fun of herself. Fourth, because she lost the kid weight and got paid for it by "Jenny" AND made fun of herself at the same time. Smart! Finally, because after losing the poundage....She went on Oprah in a bikini. I have a link to the video of the OPRAH show at one of my favorite blogs, SINGAPORE LIVING. If you click on the title to today's post it will take you to the blog. I am too tech challenged to upload video on this blog. It is for all of the above reasons that I am giving Kirstie Alley the honor of being the first mom in the WHITE TRASH MOM HALL OF FAME. Naturally, since this is a WTM Hall of Fame there is no actual prize for being honored. The honor and glory comes from being an inspiration to WT Moms all over the planet. WE SALUTE YOU Kirstie! You totally ROCK. Note about Wichita, KS**=You have to understand that most of the people that I know from Wichita are 200% more fun than the average American. There is no known explanation.

Tampon Crafts

Dear WTMs, I am really sorry about this post, let me say in advance. If you do not like immature, potty humor----please skip today's post. I found a new web site, via my friend VanG. Site is called...tamponcrafts.com. I almost peed my pants laughing but I thought it was too sick and wrong to post it. However, The Gods of Bad Taste have influenced me and so here it is. They don't call me "WT" for nothing.

Trust but Verify-Kid Sick Days

Dear WTMs, As I have mentioned before, the idea of "Trust but Verify" is a big part of my parenting philosophy. The phrase "Trust but Verify" was used by The Gipper, President Ronald Reagan, when talking about the evil Red empire of the Soviet Union. President Reagan said that he TRUSTED them...But he did not trust blindly. He checked up on them. I find this phrase helpful in parenting. As a youngest child of the family, I was able to weasel out of many things. As a former "weasel" child, I am a natural skeptic when it comes to sick days for my kids. My younger daughter is home sick today. She was up and down last night with an upset stomach and a bad headache. Gave her kid Tylenol and let her sleep on the couch downstairs. However, this AM, I tried to "break" her. Sure, she said she was sick----but I applied just a little pressure to the situation to see if it was a scam. Naturally, we lost the thermometer (again) so I could not check the fever. Dig if you will, my version of "Trust but Verify": "Trust but Verify" Sick Day Treatment: WTM: So...You're sick today? You don't feel any better this morning? Miss Minnesota/Margarita: Yup. WTM: You know if you miss school today, you can't go to SusieQ's house Tuesday for that playdate? (Please note: I am not that harsh---this is a ploy to see just how sick she is) Miss Minnesota/Margarita: I know, I don't care. WTM: And you know you are going to have to stay in your room most of the day, no TV. (Note: As if! Again, this is a tool to get the truth) Miss Minnesota/Margarita: Yup. Usually by the second or third question, the girls will either "break" and confess that they are not that sick OR if they don't, I can see that they really ARE sick. This ends the interrogation. What do you guys do to determine "sick day health"? Would love some tips from other WTMs. They are smaller and younger and smarter than us.

Duct Tape as a Babysitter?

Dear WTMs, Another story about a great American mother.

Quizlaw brought a news story to my attention. Quizlaw is a great blog, if you don't read it.

The story-There was a recent Florida incident where a mom used DUCT TAPE her kids together while she went to work. Another case study for mothers that should not have kids. Luckily, neighbors heard the crying children and called the police. You can read the story of this mother of the year by clicking on today's title "Duct Tape Babysitting".

The incident is scary and horrid enough...but my peeps at Quizlaw (always twisted) began offering the QUIZ LAW BRAND BABYSITTING TAPE.

I am not laughing at child abuse. But the "duct tape as a babysitter" is so wrong...and so stupid that it is a ripe subject for dark humor. Anyone? Bueller? And is it me or do more of these incidents seem to happen in Florida?

The Mommy Blog-Melinda Roberts

Dear WTMs, One of our own is a published book author! Melinda Roberts, who writes THE MOMMY BLOG, has a new book out! Book is called MOMMY CONFIDENTIAL: Adventures from the Wonderbelly of Motherhood. Melinda was really helpful when I decided I wanted to write a "WTM" book. You can read more about the book, go to an online store to purchase it HERE. The last email I got from her, she said that AMAZON.com was going to start selling MOMMY CONFIDENTIAL in November. I just wanted to do a post about my friend as I think it's great. Check out the book and her blog!

New Fun Friends at the New School!

Dear WTMs, Are you with me on the magnet? I have some excellent news from my daughter's new school. She is doing great, making friends and is very happy. Let's chalk one up for the home team. I have even found some potential mom friends that I think I could hang with! It's not like that is a priority in picking a school but it does help to have some buddies so that I can get the lay of the land at the new school AND it's just nice to have friends. I don't dare say it...don't dare hope...but I think they could even be...WHITE TRASH MOMs. I don't want to get all psyched up yet. It's still early and I am still pretending that I am relatively normal. CLEARLY have not spilled the beans on the WTM blog yet. Will keep you updated.

White Trash Mom Gift Idea

It's so sick, so wrong. But being an extremely immature person, of course I want one. It is a kitchen towel holder that you definitely won't find at Wal-Mart. Buy it at drinkstuff.com for your tacky and WT friends. Or get it for your doublewide. Enjoy!

Catholic Holy Day-All Saints Day

Dear WTMs, I am Catholic and today is a Holy Day (All Saints Day). In my own WT way, I am being a good Catholic by sharing with you a recent Catholic joke I received from one of my best friends. You Catholics will enjoy this one: SITTING BEHIND A COUPLE OF NUNS AT A Detroit Red Wing Hockey GAME (WHOSE HABITS PARTIALLY BLOCKED THEIR VIEW), THREE MEN DECIDED TO BADGER THE NUNS IN AN EFFORT TO GET THEM TO MOVE. IN A VERY LOUD VOICE, THE FIRST GUY SAID, "I THINK I'M GOING TO MOVE TO UTAH , THERE ARE ONLY 100 NUNS LIVING THERE." THE SECOND GUY SPOKE UP AND SAID, "I WANT TO GO TO MONTANA , THERE ARE ONLY 5O NUNS LIVING THERE." THE THIRD GUY SAID, "I WANT TO GO TO IDAHO , THERE ARE ONLY 25 NUNS LIVING THERE." ONE OF THE NUNS TURNED AROUND, LOOKED AT THE MEN, AND IN A VERY SWEET, CALM VOICE SAID, "WHY DON'T YOU GO TO HELL . THERE AREN'T ANY NUNS THERE." Those of you who had any contact with nuns during your school years KNOW just how true to life this joke is. Clearly those Red Wings fans were NOT Catholic! Happy All Saints Day.

Pink Flamingo Crisis

Happy Halloween. Or Happy HELL-O-WEEN as I like to say. Only a few more hours until our kids will be high on so much pure sugar they will take a week to "detox". WTMs, there is a WT crisis going on that you may or may not be aware of. I am talking about...the Pink Flamingo crisis.

On this day of Halloween, we all need to take a moment and reflect on the closing of the company that produced the ORIGINAL plastic pink flamingo. The pink flamingo, a WT cultural icon beloved by shallow and tacky Americans everywhere...is on it's way to extinction. I don't need to tell my WT readers what a serious matter this is.

Here is the story about the pink flamingo crisis, from one of my favorite websites, IMPROBABLE.com.

Read the info at Improbable.com but to sumarize: Union Products Inc., the original manufacturer of the plastic pink flamingo, will close its doors by Nov. 1, according to the company’s president.

It's a dark day in WT America my friends. Pop open a cold one right now in your trailer and remember the good times.

Muffy's Daughter Needs Physical Therapy

I'm such a clutz that I recently fell off a piece of exercise equipment. I think I was so proud of myself for actually making it to the gym that I got too big for my britches (if that isn't a play on words...), forgot what I was doing, and fell. The result, much to my dismay, was that I had to get some physical therapy on my ankle. Well, the last time I needed any of that was over 15 years ago after a car wreck. Man, those places have changed. They're kind of glitzy! So, it's my first visit, I'm standing at the counter, waiting to be acknowledged after having signed the obligatory sheet of paper. And in walk a mother / daughter combo, the likes of which I haven't seen since the 1970's. I kid you not. It was like something out of a time capsule. (Can you say Dallas? Dynasty? Knots Landing?) Mom's makeup is so thick that it makes my face hurt just looking at it. And I swear that 9-year-old had on blush, mascara and lip gloss. EE-oooh. She had obviously come straight from school, as she had her backpack, it was the middle of a weekday afternoon, and she was talking about what happened at school that day. What transpired next made my toes curl. The mom, let's just call her Mary Kayte... She brushes right past me - all five foot two of her. I swear, I thought she was going to step right on my bare, flip-flopped toes with those spike heels. Then, I really would have needed therapy...So, she brushes past me and proceeds to start in on the receptionist, for whom I have been patiently waiting. "Excuuuuuse may." (thick Southern drawl) "Ashley Carter is here for her appointment with Gary." (flashes me a perfect-toothed bleached til-they’re-painful white smile) "Hah...how're yeeou?" "I'll be right with you in a moment, Mrs. Carter..." (Mary Kayte purses her lips at the mere thought of waiting even a moment...) Feeling invisible, I continue to stand there, patiently awaiting some sort of direction. My appointment was to have begun 8 minutes ago, but I figure it looks like a busy place, the phone has been ringing incessantly, so it may be a little while longer. "Excuuuuuse may...Aysh-ley's appoh-eent-munt with Mr. Gay-ree was s'post-to start three minutes ago. Ahh don't hay-uv all day, yeuuw knoooow." "Mrs. Carter, we'll be with you just as soon as we can, ma'am."(Mary Kayte looks down at her insanely long - not to mention thick - nails and clucks her tongue.) Turning to me...and this was classic..."Way-ull would you look at thay-ut? Ahh just got these duhn today, and ahhl-ready thay-ur gittin' all scuffed up! Ask me, that's the sahn of a bay-ud manny." Affecting mock horror, I smile sympathetically. (Come on, what else can you do?)"What's a girl to do?!" "Ahh know!" Then, she turns back to the receptionist, who has, by then, fielded about 20 phone calls. "May-uhm. Is it almost Aysh-ley's turn? She's got cheer in anoth-uh ow-uh and a hay-uff." (Receptionist turns to me and gives a most apologetic look...then back to Mary Kayte) "Yes, Mrs. Carter, Lee is ready for Ashley now." Mary Kayte's head snaps up, her nails grow about another half an inch, and sparks fly out of her eyes. After the head-spinning ceases... "Ex-cuuuuse me. Did you say Lee? Ahh specifically asked for Mr. Gay-ree. Aysh-ley hay-uhs to hay-uhv Gay-ree." (crosses her arms, rests them on her bejeweled chest and proceeds to stare the receptionist down) At this point, Ashley hops up from her seat where she's been playing with her Gameboy and does a backbend, thus providing comic relief for me - but not her mama. Then, she does a Russian (think leaping with legs spread eagle in the air). I am almost beside myself. I can hardly suppress the urge to laugh. It's like she's trying to provide a distraction from the scene that she KNOWS her mama is about to create. "Well, Mrs. Carter, we'll have her back on with Gary for next time, but for today, she'll need to see Lee." Mrs. Carter proceeds to throw one – helluva – hissy-fit. I'll dispense with the Southern vernacular to avoid this taking too long to read... "Do you realize that Regionals are in November? " pause "And right after that comes Nationals. And mark my words, she's GOING to be ready." (Pan to Ashley: Back flip. Splits. Winning smile...) "Ashley, settle down...And she can't recover with just anyone. She knows Gary, is comfortable with Gary. Give Lee to someone else, and give Gary to Ashley. Ashley has only a few weeks left to kick this injury's butt, and she gonna do it, too, mark my words, as God is my witness." Receptionist starts to speak, but Mary Kayte has not quite stepped down from the soapbox... "Do you realize that Ashley gets up every morning at 5 am to go practice with her coach for two hours before school? And she's got 4 dance classes per week - not to mention tumbling." Cartwheel...Roundoff. "Ashley, so help me, you are gittin' on my last nerve. I said settle...Period...Now, I'm not going to let some nitwit's scheduling error mess up my little star's shot at Nationals, so just get Gary out here, and let's get on with it!" Splits, arms in the air, wild grin upon her young face. Receptionist, with eyes bugging right out of their sockets, replies with measured words: "Mrs. Carter, Gary called in sick today, so Lee will have to take Ashley this one time, and then we'll be back to normal next week. OK?" "Honestly, you'd think you people could take your jobs more seriously. You're messing with people's lives here...Ashley, come on, Peanut. It's time for your therapy. Go on in. Thank yeeeouu." Flashes those pearly whites, fluffs her sprayed-into-submission bob and marches into the workout area. "Tacky Princess, thank you for your patience, we're ready for you now." OMG.

Dear Abby vs White Trash Mom

Good Afternoon to all the WTMs:

Today I read DEAR ABBY. Here is one of the letters with her reply. After you read her reply, please read White Trash Mom's reply. I am confident that you guys will agree with me. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I are in our early 30s, with a 2-year-old daughter and a baby on the way. Both of our parents live eight to 10 hours away by car, so there is limited exposure to both sets of grandparents.

The problem is my father. Dad is very physically affectionate, even against the will of our daughter. For example, if she walks past him, he'll grab her and squeeze her and kiss her while she struggles to break free. It's all in the spirit of a playful hug, but it bothers my wife and me to hear and see our little daughter say "No!" and struggle to get away while he says things like, "No, I'm not going to let you get away. This is what a granddad does."

My father imposes the same behavior on me, coming up behind me and forcibly hugging me while I cook, wash dishes or some other task. When I say this makes me uncomfortable, he either acts offended or makes fun of me. His aggressive demand for physical affection is becoming an issue with us. But when we say things like, "Let her go" or "Respect her boundaries," my parents make light of the situation. In fact, my mother said on her last visit, "Your daughter HAS no boundaries!"

What can we do to protect ourselves and our kids from my father's aggression without hurting his feelings or starting a fight? -- ANXIOUS DAD IN OHIO

Here is the reply from DEAR ABBY:

DEAR ANXIOUS DAD: Perhaps back in the day when your parents were raising you, children didn't have boundaries, but times and circumstances have changed. Today, parents teach children to assert themselves if someone's touch makes them uncomfortable so they will be less submissive if an adult tries to take advantage of them.

There may not be a way to protect yourselves and your children from your father without "hurting his feelings" or "starting an argument." People as insensitive to the feelings of others as he appears to be are usually hypersensitive when it comes to their own.

Because your father (and mother) refuse to accept YOUR boundaries when you ask him to let your daughter go, recognize that his time with your children should be severely curtailed until they're old enough to fight him off. And the next time he grabs you from behind, don't "suggest" that it makes you uncomfortable; INSIST that he let you go.

DEAR ABBY has been giving good advice for years. I can't say that her advice is not good. However, White Trash Mom, has a little different, a more DIRECT approach communicating with "Anxious Dad" about his creepy dad and mom.

DEAR ANXIOUS DAD: Quit being a wuss! Your dad and mom, while I am sure they don't realize it, are being totally creepy. Okay---I am being NICE when I say that they don't realize it. They probably DO REALIZE it and they don't care! People that say things like "Children Don't HAVE Boundaries" make me break into hives.

I question whether or not you have explored all the "issues" that you have with your dad, if he comes up and GRABS YOU and you don't feel comfortable----and you're a grown man. Think of how bad it makes your little girl feel!

Get a backbone for God's sakes! If it creeps you out-----it has to really upset your daughter! I understand you don't want to create conflict but the creepy parents you have are acting like bullies-----and bullies respond ONLY to force. I understand that things change with generations but they don't respect you or your family. Protect your daughter.

Muffia Headquarters-DISCOVERED!

Dear WTMs, I now know the location of "the muffia" headquarters. The evil ones operate at a small, out-of-the-way grocery store and deli, near my favorite liquor store. Read on for details....if you dare. I went to my favorite liquor store today to stock up on my best friend, SENOR PATRON. As I mentioned in the previous post, it's been a MONDAY. I took a proactive approach and decided to go to the liquor store early in the week. Monday, after all, is close to the weekend. If you look at it from a certain point of view. My favorite liquor store is not that close to my house BUT they are nice and most important....they take checks. A key factor when dealing with a WT shopper like me. After writing a sizable check for SENOR PATRON and other "friends", I decide to dash in to a nearby grocery store. It's not my usual grocery...this store is a little smaller, more "exclusive" than the coupon palace that I usually frequent. When I entered the store....my WTM instincts went into high gear. I sensed...DANGER. Despite the fact that I had showered AND groomed today, the muffia immediately knew that someone from the outside, someone NOT from the mothership, had invaded their territory. I even looked a bit "muffy-esqe" today in my pants, shirt and sweater. But all the same, the evil ones knew that I was a WTM. My smart ass smirk and really brown hair "roots" were a dead giveaway. As I quickly walked through the store, grabbing my ding dongs and fruit roll ups, the muffia silently watched me. Unlike most of them, I actually had to be somewhere. So I raced down the aisles, at lighting speed and then I noticed....I swear to GOD I am not kidding...one of the "Queens" was following me. Really. Queen Buffy was by far the loudest of the crew and I knew she was one of the leaders because only a leader could dress that badly! I could hear her from two aisles over discussing the "hellish remodel" that she currently has going on-----and she was wearing a paint spattered shirt(multi-color coordinated) and sweats to prove how DIFFICULT her remodeling was going. Anyway---"QB" followed me, I kid you not, for over two aisles. She started by the frozen foods and was on my ass all the way to the coffee and bread section. As I was in the check line and I could see the door, I decided to get a little SASSY. I spoke directly to the muffia mom and her toddlers in front of me. WTM: Your daughter is really sweet. How old is she? MUFFIA MOM AT CHECKOUT: (Has "deer in the headlights" look on her face, panics and looks around ) Chesterfield is 18 months. Barley is 3 years. WTM: She'll be grown up and living with her boyfriend Steve in his conversion van before you know it. HAVE NICE DAY!

Fair Trials for Monsters?

Dear WTMs,

It's a Monday and I am crabby. Forgive the rant but I just couldn't keep this one inside.

COEUR D'ALENE, Idaho - Jury selection in the triple murder trial of Joseph Edward Duncan III will be closed to the public and news media to ensure the registered sex offender gets a fair trial, a judge ruled last week.

Duncan, 43, is charged with three counts of first-degree murder and three counts of kidnapping in the 2005 slayings of Brenda Groene, her fiance, Mark McKenzie; and Groene's 13-year-old son, Slade. He faces the death penalty if convicted.

After the state case ends, federal prosecutors are expected to file charges against Duncan in the abduction of Brenda Groene's two youngest children, Shasta and Dylan, and the slaying of Dylan.

Court documents allege Duncan, a Tacoma, Wash., native who spent most of his adult life in Washington prisons for sexual crimes against children, committed the slayings so he could kidnap the two children for sex.

Shasta Groene, now 9, was rescued and is expected to be a primary witness against Duncan.

Pardon my White Trash FRENCH when I say that I don't give a RAT'S ASS about the civil rights of the sub-human life form, Mr. Joseph Edward Duncan III! That man killed Shasta Groene's entire family and molested Shasta and her brother Dylan. Would someone please tell me why in the name of God we should care about Mr. Duncan's rights? I know all the reasonable answers, people. But as mother----I can't think of one.

Pray for Me and My Neighbors

She got it...the permit. Called the license bureau. Found out the hours. Got the booklet. Studied the material. Asked me nicely to take her to get the permit. What more could I do? I had to take her. After all, I do have a heart (apparently, it's larger than my gray matter...). So, we get to the license bureau, and they promptly ask for her birth certificate and Social Security Number. Panicked, she looks at me imploringly. Like I walk around with a certified copy of my first-born's birth certificate in my wallet. I can barely remember to take my cell phone with me when I leave the house. Half the time, I don't even have my own billfold/license on me. What makes her think I'm going to have this sort of documentation at my fingertips? Hell, it's a miracle to find a pen instead of a lip or eyeliner in my purse. What does she want from me? But the look - - Lord, that look. This child is going to break hearts with that look. She'll raise grades with that look. She'll wrap her Daddy around her little finger with that look. She'll get into the college of her choice with that look. Walk to the front of club lines with that look. And the other day, she got me to turn on my heel, run out to the car, tear back across town (great example to the up-and-coming driver...), dig thru the basement file cabinet for the birth record, leadfoot it back across the city and sweet-talk our way back into the license bureau before they closed for the day. All with that look. That look got her the dreaded learner's permit. That look may have landed me my next migraine. So, we produce the required documentation, and she proceeds to the written testing area. I inquire of the employee test monitors how long I should plan to be waiting. The conversation with the 20-something young lady goes about like this: "Can you give me an idea how long the test will take?" "Whoa, whoa, whoa - I don't have NO idea, ma'am." "Well, if you could just give me a ballpark..." "Weeeelllll, it really varies..." "Like 20 minutes or an hour?" "Oh. Weeeellll, some take 25 minutes, but some might take 45. Just depends. That's all." "OK, well, it sounds like I have time to go get my magazine out of my car anyway." "Oh, yes, ma'am. I'm sure about that..." (smiling) So, I head out to the car, thinking I'll have a good 20 minutes at the least. Upon my return, I sit down and haven't gotten through the second column in a riveting article when I see my Darling Daughter pop up and turn her paper in. I bite my lip. What if she fails? She looks less than confident. The woman who checked us in begins to grade the sheet of paper. She stops for a moment. Looks up quizzically at her "student". Then back down. What does this mean? Ah, the suspense is killing me... Then, I see her write something on the top of the paper and motion to my daughter to go to another station. Sure that we'll be coming back another day (do they have "makeup exams?), I stand to go console her. But the next thing I know, she's smiling, posing for a picture, and getting the permit. She's legit. She passed. It turns out she missed the first four out of five questions on the test. I'm guessing that's why the lady looked at her funny. Here she finishes the test in ten minutes but then misses the first several questions. Anyway, she didn't miss any after that, so she passed. Now, the real challenge. Teaching my first-born to drive. Sober. Pray for me and my neighbors. And anyone driving in a church or office parking lot on a weekend! I keep thinking of what my best friend in high school's mom always yelled at her when she was learning to drive. "Get out of the gutter! Get out of the gutter!" It was hilarious. I'll try to be cooler than that. So far, so good, but she hasn't gotten over 20 mph, so who can tell? P.S. And no, that's not my car - or rather, it's only my car in my nightmares...:)

Credit Card Cancellation Nightmare

Nightmare, you say? Would that it were a nightmare, my WT comrades. And how I wish that I could spread their name all across the blog-wires. However, my attorney has advised me not to be so foolish. And being somewhat less of a hothead than say, I don't know, some of YOU, perhaps? (let's see if THAT draws your comments!), I decided it best to follow his sage words of wisdom. Not to be completely dissuaded, though, I will still share my story. I will just leave the lame credit card company's name out of the equation. Here's the deal... Recently, my husband noticed that we still had a card that we'd intended to cancel a few years back. To be honest, we'd used it to get through a Christmas that wouldn't have been all that merry without some extra funds. So, we took advantage of one of the dozen or so 0% interest card offers that seem to hit our mailbox every month. (And no, I'm not kidding. We do get that many offers. They are legitimate. Yes, you have to read the fine print. And yes, you'd better pay it off by the end of the 0% introductory period, or the finance charges will set in - like the barbarians at the gate in the commercials on TV - and from what I gather, they'll be hefty. But that's another blog for another day...or maybe not, 'cuz' it sounds like a snore...) So - we reviewed the many offers, found one from a REPUTABLE bank, applied and got the card. We carried a balance of a couple of thousand dollars over a period of about 6 months (long enough to get us through our rough financial patch, paid it off BEFORE the end of the special no interest period, and sort of forgot about it. Didn't think to cancel it until just recently. Well, you know, you really shouldn't have too many of those cards out there. It tends to affect your credit score (negatively) if you have too much available revolving credit, and there was no reason for us to keep the card. So, when my husband mentioned it, because it was in my name, I said I would call to cancel the card. I had no idea what I was getting myself into. Here's a replay of the call: "Screw U Bankcard, may I help you?" Yes, I'd like to cancel my card." "OK, I can help you with that, but may I ask why you’re cancelling?" "Well, I'd really just like to cancel the card and be done with it, thanks." "Yes, I understand that, ma'am, but we'd just like to understand what might have led to this sudden decision." "It's nothing sudden. We'd just like to cancel the card, please." "Certainly. Could you just tell me a reason to cancel the card?" "No, I said I'd just like you to go ahead and cancel the card." Now, audibly perturbed…"Ma'am, I'm just trying to provide good Screw U Bankcard customer service by trying to find out why you might be cancelling our card. That way, maybe we can provide you with a better plan." (In my most syrupy voice) "Ma'am - I'd like to you to go ahead and cancel - the card now. My time is very valuable to me, and I'd like to get this done as quickly as possible." "Well, ma'am, if you'd just cooperate, we could get this taken care of." "I don't even believe this. Just cancel the card." Now, raising her voice and speaking to me as if I have stolen her firstborn and offended her mama: "MA'AM, you don't - have - to be - rude." OMG!!!!!!!! At this point, I put the woman on speaker phone, so my husband could hear the way she was speaking to me - it was absolutely unbelievable - like nails on a chalkboard...He'd been standing there, looking at me incredulously. I knew he would have lost patience with her a LOOOONG time ago. "I'd like to speak to your supervisor, please." "Ma'am?...ma'am? YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OFF THAT SPEAKER PHONE RIGHT NOW!" "I put you on speaker phone, so that my husband could hear how rudely you were speaking to me. This is unbelievable." "Ma'am. I'm not going to communicate with you any further until you TAKE ME OFF OF THAT SPEAKER PHONE!" (begrudgingly complying...) "I don't even believe this. Cancel my card." "I'll take care of that for you now, ma'am. I was just trying to provide the kind of customer service people have come to expect from Screw U Bankcard." "Just cancel the card." By now, my blood was boiling all over the receiver. My hands were shaking. I thought I might need a defibrillator. What a *$*(%)#(%*. "Thank you for choosing Screw U Bankcard, and have a nice day." Are you kidding me? Only in America.

If Shopping is a Disease, I'm Terminal.

Dear WTMs, Apparently compulsive shopping is more common than anxiety or depression, according to a new study released by doctors at Stanford University. The study says that 1 in 20 adults suffer from an addiction to shopping. There are some medical professionals that want to classify shopping addiction as a true medical disorder----right up there with Bi-Polar Depression! Yippee! Good news for the white trash credit card chargers (like me)! The cherry on the cake of this NEWS story about "shopping addiction" comes from one of the best ever sources for American life, "NEWS OF THE WEIRD".

When Lucille Schenk finally sought help for compulsively buying jewelry, New York psychologist April Lane Benson advised her to have a "conversation" with the jewelry before she made her next purchase, as a way to put some distance between herself and her compulsion. "I would say, ‘You are so beautiful, I can’t live without you; I love the way you sparkle,’" recalled Schenk, 62, in an interview. "The jewelry would say back, ‘You need me. You look pretty when you wear me.’ I would say, ‘I do need you. I can’t possibly think of being without you. But something has to change. I need to stop this. I can’t afford a penny more.’"

There is really nothing to say in response, is there? I have an idea for Ms. Schenk. Next time she has an urge to purchase jewelry, she could just pay ME the money and I COULD TALK TO HER (instead of the jewelry).

Learner’s Permit? God, Help Us All!

That's right. It's not enough that the planet is melting or that it is widely suspected that we are, once again, the target for a massive terrorist attack. Now, my Darling Daughter is chomping at the bit (or is she?) to get her Learner's Permit to drive. In our state, you can actually get one when you're 14, with the "real" licensing required age of 16. Recently, she finally asked if she could get the permit. I had been thinking we were supremely lucky that she hadn't asked sooner. Now nearing 15, I was honestly starting to wonder if she was going to be one of those skittish kids who is afraid to drive. I wasn't sure whether to relish that or bemoan it. But then it happened. She asked. So back to our convo... "Hmmm, I've been dreading this day since the day you turned 14. What took you so long?" "Nuh-uh...I've asked and asked..." (Uh, did you ask your alien mommy, 'cuz' this is the first I've heard it...) "No, you haven't. In fact, I really have been surprised you didn't ask sooner." "Well, all my friends have theirs, Mom. It's time. You can't put me off any longer." (Uh, again, are you confusing yourself with some other teenager - perhaps one that you idolize from the telly?) "I haven't put you off, sweetie. So, all your friends have them, huh? Jackie?" "Well, no." "Alex?" "Huh-uh..." "Erin?" "No..." "Amanda? Jenny? Lizzie?" "Well, not them...but lots of others..." "So, what do you have to do to get the permit?" "Oh...I don't know." She appears to be flummoxed. "Well, you get on the phone, or get online, or do whatever you have to do to find out how to get the permit, and we'll go from there." That was 6 weeks ago. Still no permit. Amazing. The ball remains in her court. Or, shall I say the keys? I know. I'm mean. But someone has to be. It might as well be me. So, I'll just count my blessings. For now.

White Trash Mom Flunks Out

Dear WTMs, If I had to go back to 7th grade and if I had to take 7th grade math-----I would flunk out. Completely. My 7th grader, at her great new school, gets hellacious math homework. I am not only NOT a HELP to my daughter with her 7th grade math homework questions-----my advice actually caused her to miss several questions on a test. I am 43...and I can't do 7th grade math. This should not be a surprise since I totally stink at math and if not for Microsoft Excel® and a calculator...I would pretty much be locked out of a job. But this year, it's not like I can even look up the concept and help her with the problem she's stuck on. Now I look up stuff and I misunderstand it---and I tell her to do it incorrectly. HELP! OMG, I feel so very stupid. I really do. Last night there was some hellish math AND then some science FORMULAS. By her bedtime, I needed a Tylenol PM. My head was pounding. Give me your wisdom, WT sisters and brothers. I need to hear some good news. I need to hear that I am not the only one that would actually flunk 7th grade.

House of Appliance Hell

Tacky Princess here. Back from the depths. Of family drama. And computer hell. And currently (and always...) living in House of Appliance Hell (hereafter referred to as HAH!). You see, it's not enough that we live in an old house. OK, not ancient. But old enough that it has continual problems, as older homes will have (need a new furnace, need to fix the foundation, need to fix the roof...you get the idea - not cheap stuff.). And we keep up with those, 'cuz' we like to stay warm and safe and dry (and we don't want our neighbors to egg our house...). But Lord, almighty, the appliances...I don't know anyone who has the luck we have with appliances.

In a few shy of 20 years of marriage (child bride), we have managed to blow through:

• 4 Coffee Makers
• 4 Toasters (and none of them really worth a damn, including the current model)
• 4 mini vac's (and that's saying something since we've had outside help with our cleaning for the last 14 years...)
• 4 Electric mixers
• 4 can openers
• 4 microwaves (one actually CAUGHT ON FIRE - that was our signal it needed to be replaced!)
• 3 Dishwashers (one actually CAUGHT ON FIRE - no that's not a misprint - it, too, caught on fire - different house - different occasion - sparks flying out of dishwasher)
• 3 Irons
• 3 Waffle Irons
• 2 Griddles
• Oh! And we can't forget the untold numbers of cordless phones. OMG! I'd be willing to wager that we've gone through a minimum of 14 cordless phones. That's almost one per year. Unbelievable. I continually find myself saying, "I'm sorry, could you hang on while I switch to a different cordless? This is the old one we bought three months ago, and it is just shot." Which is met with, "Oh, yeah, I was going to say: You sound like you're in a can... You keep cutting in and out... Are you calling from the UK? Are you on your cell? You sound like you're in a tunnel...in a vacuum...in a box." You get the picture. Very pleasant. And this on a 3 month old phone.

Generally speaking, we buy name brands, and most of the time, I even do a little research before we buy. After all, when you live in the HAH!, you can never be too cautious. But it doesn't seem to matter. Everything breaks.

There is one exception. Old Faithful. Our washer. From 1892. Uh huh. 1892. It came with our first house. The seller was marrying a sugar daddy, and he already had the best of everything, so she no longer needed her top drawer 1892 Roper. Yep. Roper. Ever heard of it? We hadn't either. We figured it probably wouldn't even make it when we moved it to our second house, but lo and behold, we hooked Old Faithful up, and she started going - full blast. It wasn't until she got to the spin cycle that we noticed something was a little off. Well, that might be a bit of understatement. Let's see. How shall I describe it?

Think back to your days of the pre-college exam. ACT...SAT. Now, remember on the SAT - the verbal section? Come on, dig back. You can do it. Exercise that old gray matter! OK, are you with me? S-T-R-E-T-C-H! OK, Verbal section - Analogies. I know, college was a long time ago. But this is fun, right?! Here we go...

Rock concert is to World War III as Tacky Princess's washer is to a Boeing 737 taking off

Have you wrapped your brain around that one? Are you getting the mental picture? Since we moved over 10 years ago, our washer has sounded like a Boeing 737 taking off outside of our kitchen (where the laundry room is). Now, I'm all for having the laundry on the first floor, but if you heard this washer...

If someone happens to be doing laundry when we have guests over, and the spin cycle comes on...OMG! The alarmed look that comes across their faces. You can tell they are sure that we are under terrorist attack. All conversation must cease. The floor / furniture / windows shake. The CD that's turning might even skip. When the cycle is over, we calmly explain the situation. Our guests give us that "you poor saps" look and politely excuse themselves. Why, you might ask, don't we replace it? Well, it WORKS fine. It's just noisy (and annoying) as hell. There are other ailing appliances in the HAH! that demand our immediate attention (and monies...). So, how can we justify $600 or $800 for another new one unnecessarily?

And when my Big Strong Man is out of town...well...let's just say, it can keep a girl company, if you know what I mean. HA!

You Can't Fix Stupid

Dear WTMs, Per one of my favorite blogs, CeleBITCHY, an update on Britney's husband, K-Fed: Here’s K-Fed partying it up in Vegas. As D-Listed points out, that stupid custom bling looks like a Pepperidge Farm Chessman cookie. Page Six reports that philandering K-Fed, who is currently partying with random women while his wife tends to their one year-old and newborn baby. The gurus at CeleBITCHY go on to tell us that K-FED will make about $10 million bucks if he and Brit split. I feel the need to write Britney a letter from her mentor, WT Mom. Stay tuned.

Debby and her monkey can't eat at Crackerbarrel

In September, following complaints of diners, the health department in Springfield, Mo., notified restaurants that Debby Rose's "assistance monkey" could not be permitted to dine with her! The harsh health department officials said that Debby's "assistance monkey" could NOT sit next to her in a high chair at local restaurants,even though Rose said she suffers from a disabling social phobia!

Apparently, Debby's phobia is only helped if she can have "Richard" with her. "Richard", who is a bonnet macaque monkey, is the only reason Debby can go out to Cracker Barrel or whatever other restaurant she chooses. Monkeys are generally permitted under the Americans with Disabilities Act if they perform certain tasks, as capuchin monkeys have been trained to fetch groceries from shelves for wheelchair-using patrons. However, animals that provide only emotional support fall into a gray area, according to a U.S. Justice Department spokesperson quoted by the Springfield News-Leader. [ABC News-AP, 9-16-06]

Two questions: WHY ARE THESE PEOPLE ALWAYS NAMED DEBBY? Why in the name of God did the restaurants allow DEBBY to bring in a flea ridden monkey into their establishments? EW!

Plain Jane Mom

Dear WTMs, Found another cool blog. PLAIN JANE MOM. Check out her recent entry about the idiot parents that park in front of the fire hydrant at school drop-off.

ANOTHER day where some mom parks in front of the fire hydrant at preschool. Good lord people, don’t you get it? I don’t want my kids on fire. If you want that for your kids, please take care of it on your own time.

And then she gets all mad when I very politely mention that she’s in front of the hydrant. In fact, I’ve gotten quite good at this little spiel because I do it about once a month. And that is just the folks who do this when I happen to be there.

Sigh, can you guess how popular I am at this school?

Get this gal a margarita with my best friend, SENOR PATRON! Go here to check out Plain Jane Mom.

Un-Freakin-believable

Tacky Princess here. Uh Huh. Remember me? From back in the day? I know. I've been remiss. Life has gotten in the way lately, believe me. School stuff, work stuff, DRAMA, family stuff (oh, brother...), sick people, did I mention DRAMA? So, I finally, sit down to write to you, our loyal readers. And I'm just putting the finishing touches on House of Appliance Hell, when - you guessed it. I tap the switch on the surge protector for our computer with my great big FOOT, thereby inadvertently turning said computer OFF. And had I learned ANYTHING from the last time this happened to me? Or the last time something like this happened to one of our kids? OF COURSE NOT! Far be it from me to SAVE MY WORK!!!! I'm like the 3rd grader whose dog ate his homework. I only wish I could say this was the first time I've lost data. Meanwhile, to make matters worse, the brand new computer that I accidentally switched off, is now no longer functioning. My Big Strong Man is going to be so very pleased with little old me, let me tell you. Now booted off the home computer, whoever said the library was a bad place to use the computer must not have been very motivated... Hence, you will have to wait a little longer for me to completely re-think, re-type, re-enter, re-edit, re-fluff and re-put the finishing touches on the elusive "House of Appliance Hell". Now, lest I continue to RANT, I’ll leave you with this little nugget… Think back to the SAT when you were in high school…are you thinking…are you there? Come on now…dig back…OK, Grammar/Verbal section…are you with me? Now…think analogies. Still with me? I know – pretty lofty stuff for those of us who’ve been out of college for a while now. But you’ve got to exercise the old gray matter now and then, right? OK, here goes…Analogy: Rock concert is to World War III as Tacky Princess’s Washer is to Boeing 737 Ponder that…and I’ll get back to you with my next REAL entry. Cheers!

WTM Blog Updates

I know just enough web stuff to be dangerous. In my attempts to make the blog more readable, I put the "Official" WTM blogroll on another page. I also have a "HALL OF FAME" (or in the case of those not happy with WTM love...a hall of SHAME). See links to these pages in the sidebar. I also plan to add other pages but I am sure that I will procrastinate so I dare not give details. BTW-does anyone know how to change the COLOR of the font in the SIDEBAR on blogger? I can't do it. If you do, will you please let me know? If you can speak in small words it will help. Thanks and will chat later. Note-If you blog is missing from the "official" blog roll, please know it is operator error and will be back up soon. If it's not back up soon, please let me know. Not that many people consider it an honor to be on WTM's blogroll so if you one of the few, the proud, the brave---let me know!

UK Guardian Article & White Trash Mom

Dear WTMs, I wondered why the blog received such a spike in traffic yesterday. I have been totally lazy this week about posting and there was a ton of traffic coming to the blogs from the United Kingdom on Wednesday. Turns out that The Guardian wrote an article yesterday about certain dolls are really not for children. Link to article is in the title of today's blog. Two examples given were the Trailer Trash Turleen doll and her new boyfriend doll, JERWAYNE (mullet included at no additional cost).

As an owner of "Turleen" and future owner of her beau "Jerwayne", I have discussed the benefits of owning such a tasteful product. In addition, my 12 year old and her buddies use "Turleen" as a character in their movie series...."THE BOBBIE JO SHOW".

The Guardian article was about how these dolls are not for kids. I guess they can't imagine why an adult would actually BUY one of these dolls.

Why would an an ADULT want a doll like this? Because...we're Americans.

The reason we left the "mother country" and started our own was so we could have more freedom. Freedom to create a pregnant talking "Barbie". Welcome to the U.S.A.

White Trash Mom Troop Beverly Hills Camp Out Part Two

Dear WTMs, The following conversation sums up the Girl Scout camping trip experience. Dig if you will, the picture. It's the morning after the campout. Girls are eating breakfast. I am standing there with my daughter and some of her tent mates. Tent Mate 1-Did you HEAR that screeching animal light night? Tent Mate 2-It was so creepy! Tent Mate 1-I think it was a racoon or something...being attacked. WTM's daughter -No guys----THAT was my mom. SFX-All 12 and 13 year old campers start LAUGHING hysterically. Reason for the "screaminglikeananimalinpain sound"? There was a moth in my tent. It was a big moth! My daughter was a pretty good sport about what a weenie I was, since it created such an entertainment factor for her friends.

White Trash Mom Troop Beverly Hills Camp Out

Dear WTMs, This might be the last post you have from me, since I am going camping this weekend with the Girl Scouts. My older girl is a Cadette Scout and now my younger girl, Miss Minnesota/Margarita is a Brownie. I was a troop leader for the Scouts, along with some of my best buddy WTMs, when my older girl was in 1st grade. When I told my husband that I signed up to be a troop leader, his snarky reply was: What are you going to do for an activity? Take them shoe shopping at Nordstroms? Naturally, my husband was, in fact right on target and so my buddies and I gladly gave up our leadership roles to a wonderful woman after just one year of being in charge. She has been the troop leader since. Bottom line is this: I owe her one as she bailed me out (because stuff like Girl Scouts, Cub Scouts is FOR LIFE. It is very hard to find volunteers because it takes up a lot of time). Fast forward, the girls are in 7th grade. Wonderful scout leader calls me the other night. She needs warm bodies to camp out. In a tent. On the ground. With a bunch of pre-teens. White Trash Mom's idea of camping....is staying somewhere with no room service. Lame but true. I say yes. I tell her that I don't know how much practical help I will be-----but I am in. However, being the resourceful leader, she doesn't tell me that my best friend, Senor Patron, cannot come to the camp out until AFTER I commit. The woman is shrewd! However, it is too late to back out, despite the ban on alcohol for adults, so hopefully I will post when I return.

ADDDDDDDD & White Trash Mom

Dear WTMs, I am sure it is no surprise that I am a product of the 60's and 70's and I have major "ADD". My career has been spent in advertising, where ADD is kind of a prerequiste for the industry (being child like and hyper makes you a lot of money). Sorry if this is too much information but there is a point here. I will get to it, I promise. So...two years ago when my 12 year old was at the old school where she was getting bullied to a pulp....the school suggested I take the child to a doctor to check for "ADD" since she seemed very "distracted" in class. Naturally, being the obedient mother, I take the child to the doctor to see if she has "ADD". We go to the shrink doctor and she talks to my daughter for a bit and then talks to me. My daughter is fine. She probably has mild ADD but the reason she's "distracted" at school is due to the fact she is getting BULLIED daily. After giving me the lowdown on my daughter, the doctor pauses and says: Have YOU ever been tested for "ADD"? The bottom line of the visit was that my daughter was relatively fine-----however she thought I could benefit from some ADDERALL, the ADD medication! THAT my friends, is the background for the story I am FINALLY telling you today. Whew. So at 43, along with 11 year old boys everywhere, white trash mom takes AdderallXR. It is really a godsend and has helped me be a better person, better wife and better mom by helping me FOCUS more. Okay----but the hardest part of taking the medication is going to the pharmacy to get the refills. What I am about to tell you I SWEAR is a true story. I am not embellishing at all (okay maybe a little). Dig if you will, the picture: White Trash Mom in jeans and clean shirt. At pharmacy waiting for ADD script to be filled. Nice blue haired ladies are chatting with me while we wait. I am nice to them, polite----just like the grandaughter or whatever. The nice old ladies were very sweet and we were having a love fest while we waited for our drugs, talking about Fall Mums. Then the pharmacist calls me over IN A REALLY LOUD VOICE and says: The insurance company will only pay for HALF of your prescription....they said that the drug is supposed to be for kids, not adults. You are taking more than they recommend for a child. The nice blue haired ladies immediately FLEW away from me, over the other side of the pick up counter. It was like I was TED BUNDY or some human form equally as gross! I tell the big mouth pharmacist in a normal voice that the she needs to call my doctor so that the doc can CALL insurance company. I tell the pharmacist I will be back shortly to pick up my "crack" and I slink out of the store....feeling like I did something wrong. I really don't care about the fact that a prescription can help me in my daily life. I am way over that. I just get bummed out that I get treated like a "crack" addict for taking a FDA approved drug that hurts no one and has made my life a better place to live! It is pretty funny, in a sick kind of way, so I had to share.

A Backpack is NOT a Weapon

Dear WTMs, Please go to one of my favorite songs in order to flashback to my day:

They're Coming to Take Me Away, Ha Ha They're coming to take me away, ha-haaa. They're coming to take me away, ho ho, he he, ha ha, To the funny farm, where life is beautiful all the time And I'll be happy to see those nice young Men in their clean white coats and They're coming to take me away, ha-haaa!

The song listed above (with link included) kind of sums up my day. I know are of you are familiar with the kind of day that STARTS out with the words:

"A BACKPACK IS NOT A WEAPON!"

If you are a mom (or a dad) you've had days like today. It's in the manual. There is no need to relive the day-from-hell. I just wanted to post the appropriate "Song of the Day" with a few choice words, for those that need a reminder why birth control is sometimes a good idea. Dig if you will, sisters in WT, some of the words that ACTUALLY CAME OUT OF MY MOUTH TODAY: "A BACKPACK IS NOT A WEAPON!" "Let's just drive over and talk to Father Kent. You can explain to HIM why you think it is so COOL to do the sign of the cross BACKWARDS" "A BARETTE IS NOT A WEAPON!" "If I had to be either Lindsey Lohan or Britney Spears, I would be neither" "A PUG IS NOT A WEAPON!" I don' t need to go on. Let's just say that Monday happened on Tuesday today at WTM's house. Let's hope Wednesday is more like Friday. Or I better get a Senor Patron IV.

Another Nice Book from White Trash Mom

Another nice book idea from Aunt Christina...a WT Auntie Mame.

Book Recommendations from White Trash Mom

Dear WTMs, To sign off for the week, please see some excellent books....that you won't see at the regular book store. These books were emailed to me from my awesome and dear friend, "Auntie Christina". She makes Auntie Mame look like Sister Agnes...which is why the kids LOVE her. You will too. Remember, this blog is called...WHITE TRASH MOM. So if some of these titles are a little racy...it's not like we didn't warn you!

Bad WTM This Week, Good School News

Dear WTMs, Sorry for the lack of blog posts this week. I found a school for my daughter and am very excited. The good WTM karma and prayers really worked because we found great school that is a perfect mix of structure, technology with a great principal and teaching staff. It's 3 minutes from our house and she can go there for 7th and 8th grade. We are so excited and better still...SHE is so excited. Will be back in snarky form next week with lots of reports from the field. Thanks again my WTMs for all the good stuff that came our way. I know it helped.

Love that Deep Fried Coca Cola!

One of my favorite new blogs is AGENT BED HEAD . Agent Bedhead has given me inspiration today and I just had to share with the WTMs! Just when you thought it couldn't get any worse, America invents something even more...WHITE TRASH. Read AGENT BED HEAD's news from the White Trash front:

There really isn’t anywhere to go from here. Using a lethal combination of American know-how, a perverse imagination, and appallingly poor culinary sensibilities, Abel Gonzalez, Jr. has invented the laser-guided, heat-seeking nuclear stealth missile of junk food—deep-fried Coca-Cola.

Granted, I am no fan of junk food, although I’m pretty live-and-let-live when it comes to other people’s preferences. But this sounds like revolting overkill, like topping off your bowlful of Lucky Charms with a handful of Gummi Worms. On the bright side, if you strapped down Nicole Richie and force-fed her a couple of these monstrosities, she’d probably look like John Travolta as he continues to come to terms with his inner who-knows-what.

Thank you AGENT BED HEAD for finding just another example of why most of America is overweight. Grab a Deep Fried Coke and throw in some pork rinds and some funnel cakes! YUM!

Where Was He Until 10 In the Morning?

Ah, the teenage years. Filled with so many firsts. First date. First kiss. First love. First time sitting behind the wheel and actually driving the car. First time going to the movies without an adult. First time to go out, stay out all night, not call home, and LIVE TO TELL THE STORY! OK, thank God that wasn't my teenager. But my friend was telling me that one about her son - who is 16 - just the other night. I nearly dropped the phone. Nice family. Seemingly nice kid. She said they knew why he didn't answer his phone when they repeatedly called him all night long, trying to locate him (guess he won't be buying the old GPS tracking device story anymore, now, will he?! - See 6/29/6 post). She said he knew that they wouldn't have approved of what he was doing. OK, so I'm so very lame that I still don't even know what that was. She said that when he finally came home - in BROAD DAYLIGHT - that he said he had never "done it before, would never do it again, and I don't want to talk about it ever again." OK, that right there would have been enough to make me vomit. So, what was "it", WTM's? Here are the things that I think it's safe to rule out:

• Doing whipped cream (you know you know what I'm talking about...)
• Playing Spin the Bottle.
• Making out with his girlfriend, Little Susie (The movie wasn't so hot, it didn't have much of a plot...)
• Smoking pot - Let's face it. That's piddly sticks in this day and age, right?
• Went cowtipping.
• Holding up a convenience store (Call me crazy, but we live in the 'burbs, and the kid just doesn't fit the profile)
• Making mad love. (Now, just on GP, you and I both know that teenagers are incapable of making "mad love" - sorry, trying to keep our lovely blog pg). But that aside, again, especially for a boy, I don't think that would warrant the whole mystique of the situation - and certainly, if he said he's "never doing it again" - unless he's decided he did it with the wrong gender!
• Went TP'ing. Lord knows, he'll have to do that another dozen times or so to get it out of his system!

SO - what the hell was it? I'm thinking really serious drugs or a major love party (with multiple partners - ewwww!). Either way, I can hardly stand to think about it. My friend sounded almost non-chalant - resigned to that fact that this is what raising teenagers was all about. Lord almighty, it's a fine line, isn't it? On the one hand, you don't want to smother them. On the other, you sure as hell don't want to be the parent who says, "Yes, you can make love to your girlfriend/boyfriend as long as you're safe and you do it under OUR roof."

Call me crazy, but maybe my parents were onto something when they had the "Don't Ask / Don't Tell policy". Oh, don't get me wrong. It wasn't spoken. Nothing official. But I knew they didn't want to know what I was up to any more than I wanted them to. And I was one of the GOOD girls! If that makes me a dinosaur, I guess I'll have to embrace it. Just call me Pebbles - or Betty - or Wilma! Just don't refer to my big strong man as Barney - or Fred - ew.

Super Nanny Marathon

Dear WTMs, Tonight I am watching the SUPER NANNY marathon that I tivo'ed on Sunday. I don't know if you have watched SUPER NANNY but I L-O-V-E the show. I'm sure SUPER NANNY could do some work in the WTM HH at times, since I am far from the perfect mother. However, some of the mom and dads that SUPER NANNY works with make Britney and K-Fed look like model parents! OMG! Some of the parents are complete and total idiots. REALLY. The idiot parents have kids that "Damien" from THE OMEN would be afraid of! Example: The four year old girl that BITES, HITS, KICKS the mom. When she is trying to get her ready for school. The mom just cries that she "just doesn't know what to do". She doesn't know what to DO?? Here is a hint: If you can't control a 4 year old enough to get dressed, you might as well go and buy the child a conversion van and some pot TODAY. Because in 10 years, that 4 year old will be 14...and living in the conversion van with "Steve" her 24 year old boyfriend. After she dropped out of middle school. EW! Example: The family that can't control a five year old because he runs outside the front door, out into the traffic! The clueless parents just shake their heads because the 5 year old just "doesn't listen". WTM is no SUPER NANNY but I will tell you this: Try opening up a can of WHUPASS and see if that doesn't help. In the words of my wonderful Catholic neighbor, Martha: JESUS, MARY AND JOSEPH! My kids have had their share of tantrums and we're not a model family by any stretch of the imagination. But some of those people on SUPER NANNY should NOT BE ALLOWED to breed! It's so bad...but so very good. That's why I am watching it. Ladies? Anyone? Are you SUPER NANNY fans?

9-11 Tribute

Thomas Fitzpatrick is the man that I am paying tribute to today. This blog is a part of the 2,996 project. I don't know much about Thomas Fitzpatrick but here is what I do know: He was a husband and a father of a little boy and a little girl when he died. He was 35 years old. He lived with his family in Tuckahoe, New York. Thomas Fitzpatrick was a Bond Salesman Financial Adviser, Sandler O'Neill & Partners. He had to be Irish...Fitzpatrick is a pretty well known Irish name. These words are not enough and this tribute is not what he deserves. I read something recently in the Zero Boss blog . He says it better than I ever could. How can I call forth the people who knew him to give him a proper remembrance? It doesn’t matter who he was or what he did or didn’t do in his short lease on Earth; he deserves this memorial. We all do. After all, it could have easily been me.

And isn’t that the moral of this story? It could have been me. Hell, I used to work across the street from the Towers in Bankers Trust Plaza. Why Karen Helene Schmidt, and not Jay Andrew Allen? No reason. Circumstances sent her one way, and I another. The particulars of our two lives are divergent; our fates, however, are interchangeable. We are all equally conditional creatures. Strip us down to brass tacks, and we all sparkle with the same radiant essence. That my essence is still attached to my body and Karen’s does not is the result of a coin toss, and nothing more. But Karen’s memory means more to me than a sermon on the sins of procrastination and sloth. Thinking of her agonizing over my memory the way I’m agonizing over hers, I feel a vivid connection to the moral core of our species. Through her memorial, I awaken my own humanity.

As for the particulars…no, I don’t know that much detail about Karen Helene Schmidt. Yet. My tribute to her is that I’m posing those questions, and searching for answers.

My tribute is that I care enough to ask.

Have a good day and say a prayer or think a good thought for Thomas Fitzpatrick and his family. Remember.

CRACK for Project Runway Addicts

In the world of Project Runway, there is a blog that is "crack" for all of those addicted to PR. The blog is called Project RunGAY!

Project RunGAY is an excellent way to get your PR fix---with hillarious commentary and detail! Written by "theprgayboys", this is the ultimate Project Runway blog. For your best fix ever, go to PROJECT RUNGAY. Run, don't walk.

I found this awesome blog reading Melanie's blog, Melanie N Stuff. She's so cool she's freezing. Hey Melanie THANKS!

Morning Poker with Miss Minnesota

Dear WTMs, If my youngest daughter, Miss Minnesota (aka Margarita) doesn' t make it in her sales career, she has a great shot for a career as professional poker player. She has the "gift" of the bluff and she perfects this gift every morning as she gets ready for school. WTM: You packed your lunch. MM: Yup. WTM: You've got your homework. MM: (Affirmative grunting sound) WTM: You're ALL ready for school. MM: Um-huh. WTM: You've brushed your teeth. MM: Ohyeasuremom. (Quick answers using multiple words are a red flag) WTM: Let me smell your breath. It is at this point in the morning "fake out" that she utilizes a variety of tactics. I will share with you her "Top Three" responses below: "Know When to Hold 'Em, Know When to Fold 'Em" response (Smiling brightly up her mom) Oh MOM! I was JUST KIDDING! I am doing it right now! "Academy Award" response (Small, half tears in her eyes) ALRIGHT! I haven't done it! I am SORRY! I know I was SO WRONG. "Do You Feel Lucky, Punk?" response (If she is feeling "lucky" that day, she keeps bluffing) Okaymomsurenoproblem. If I have to smell her breath to get my answer, I immediately invoke Mother Law #345. While she is brushing, I stand in the bathroom and lecture her using a combination of the following effective methods: FEAR DIDN'T I TELL YOU ABOUT MY COUSIN? SHE LOST ALL HER TEETH WHEN SHE WAS IN THIRD GRADE! SHE HAS TO EAT PASTE! GUILT WHY? WHY DO YOU LIE TO ME? HAVE I BEEN THAT BAD OF A MOTHER? SCIENCE I GUESS WE NEED TO MAKE A SPECIAL APPOINTMENT WITH THE DENTIST SO HE CAN SHOW YOU JUST HOW EASY IT IS FOR YOUR TEETH TO ROT! Dramatic? Sure. Crazy? A little. But no one ever said making sense or being sane was a part of motherhood. If you start out sane, your sanity is gone after the toddler years.

2,996 Project-Tribute to 9/11 Victims

Dear WTMs, I live far away from New York City by plane. I did not personally know anyone that died in the World Trade Center. But this week, as I wallow in the school dilemma for my daughter, I was reminded of something important by one of my favorite bloggers, The Zero Boss. He is taking part in the 2996 project. It is a tribute to the victims of 9-11 by bloggers all over the world. The project has assigned all the 2,996 names but they are going through the list a second time due the response. Naturally, since I am "WT" mom, I am one of the people that is coming in at the last minute. You can be a "last minute" sign up if you go to the 2,996 Project Website. The message of the 2,996 project is this: There has been so much news about the guys that murdered the victims. The 2,996 project is to honor the victims and their lives. My Irish Catholic brother-in-law (and one of the best guys I know) is a fireman. So every 9/11, my family bakes some cookies and we take them over the the firehouse around the corner. It was a good tradition, started in the horrible days after 9/11. It is something positive to do on a day that is so sad. You all probably know about "2,996" already but I wanted to pass along in case you didn't.

Fork in the Road

Dear WTMs, Thank goodness Tacky Princess has been posting good stuff lately because my input has, in a word, sucked. The WTM HH is currently in a crisis involving my oldest daughter. This is the daughter that I have written about that we pulled from her school near the end of her 5th grade year, due to the intense bullying she received from some very mean girls. You can read some background on this subject by going to a post I did about the subject in April 2006. You can also read this post by clicking on the title "FORK IN THE ROAD". My daughter is fine....great in fact. The next school year, after the bullying year, she went to a very small but great school that has allowed her to gain some confidence back and become ALMOST the kid that she used to be. We are very proud of her but there are still scars from that awful year. The school we have her in now is the school she went to last year. It is a great school but it is extremely small. We enrolled her in this school because we really did not know what to do for this year and needed more time to check out our options. At the end of the school year, in the Spring, she wasn't quite ready to leave the smaller school. But she had a great summer and really gained more confidence over the summer. Over the summer she told us that she WANTS to move on. She wants to go a bigger school...which is a very good sign. We have wanted this for her and this is very healthy. Her current school was great for a year but it is quite small and it is montessori based. That kind of learning has been wonderful for her but there are no secondary schools, high schools in our area that are montessori. So what in the hell is the problem? My husband and I are both scared. We have been visiting and checking out schools for her to visit. There is no "perfect" solution. I look around and see kids and I wonder "Will you be nice to her?". I look at the administration and I question whether they are telling me the real story or if they are trying to SELL me on their school. We want so much for her to have a good experience at this next school because she is ready. WTMs, please a prayer or a chant or send some good karma toward my girl and my family. My daughter is such a good kid and she did not deserve what she got from the place she was bullied. We need to have a good experience at this next school. Send some good stuff our way to help our family make the right decision. Thanks and I promise the next post will be full or humor and fun.

Some additional info on the homework question

Dear WTMs,

The homework issue really touched a nerve and I wanted to follow up on TP's rant with some research.

Studies of homework levels have suggested that excessive homework may actually be detrimental to overall academic performance.

Less homework given by teachers would give students the opportunity to have more time to do things on their own such as visiting friends or playing sports, which are essential elements in the development of the child, as well as give students the opportunity to study what they want to learn and not just what that school district or teacher wants them to.

Homework's defenders say it increases students' mental capabilities and organization skills, which are necessary to the success of the person in question later in her or his life. This may not happen if inability to cope with the homework results in the student's coping with life breaking down under the stress, in mental health episodes, or in a need to avoid education altogether after being over-pressured to develop skills irrelevant to the student's interests.

In one recent study, a correlation was shown between students' performance and time spent on homework. Some students notice a direct correlation between the amount of homework they do and the number of questions missed on a test.

In Australia, some teacher's groups have complained that the support for homework in the first three quarters of schooling comes mainly from parents rather than from the academic institutions

Really Just a Rant

Yes, that's your fair warning. I promise it will be short, but this is really just a rant. The Queen usually gives you the heads up when she needs to whine, so I figured I would, too. Here's my beef. Teachers, we love you so, and I know that you are overworked and underpaid, and yada, yada, yada. AND, I truly appreciate all that you do. But could you pile on any more hours of homework every night? Is ANYONE with me? Whatever happened to time for kids to play outside after school? When your 5th grader comes home from school, takes 20 minutes to have a quick snack and tell you about her day, gets right down to homework, works diligently until dinner - and let's face it, folks, we don't eat until 645 or 7:00 many nights at our house - and THEN, still has to get right back to her homework after we finish dinner...DON'T YOU THINK THAT'S A LITTLE MUCH???? For some reason, every year, the Pollyanna in me thinks that it's going to get better. I've talked to parents from public, parochial and private schools, and we're all saying the same thing. GIVE THE KIDS A BREAK! I'm all for a good education. Don't get me wrong. And you know, my husband and I happen to be blessed with children who have no learning disabilities and who pick things up very easily. S0, if they are having trouble, how about those who are not so fortunate? They need a little time to recharge their batteries - not to mention do chores for their WT moms, for Pete's sake. I mean, I wind up feeling guilty asking my kids to set the table for dinner and take the trash out, let alone changing the oil in the car or cleaning out the refrigerator (hey, someone has to do those things, right?!). They are so overwhelmed, and it's only the second week of school. There's a new book out called The Case Against Homework, in which the authors, Sara Bennett and Nancy Kalish, argue that more homework does not necessarily translate to better educated children. Possibly even the opposite. So, why stress out our children (and their parents, who have to hover over them like beastly taskmasters...)? Here's a brief excerpt:

"For example, most parents (as well as many teachers) would be surprised to hear that there's absolutely no proof that homework helps elementary school pupils learn more or have greater academic success. In fact, as this book will explain, when children are asked to do too much nightly work, just the opposite has been found. And study after study shows that homework is not much more beneficial in middle school either. Even in high school, where there can be benefits, they start to decline as soon as kids are overloaded."

WTM's, are you WITH ME? We have to present a united front on this, and fight back! If the teachers and administration don't hear it from us, do they even know it's a problem? According to the women who wrote the book quoted above, the answer to that is NO! Let's make it a point to be present in our children's lives in this way. Let's not just complain about it in the parking lot and at soccer games. Let's do something to make a difference. OK, that's my rant. I'm climbing down from the soapbox now. I promise my next post I'll be back to the same ol' flippant, snarky little snot you've come to know and love! Cheers for a great holiday weekend!

Project Runway and Jeffrey

More Project Runway . I hate Jeffrey from Season 3. Really, I mean it when I say I have bad feelings for the man. In last week's episode, he was such an ass. I can't do the show recap justice because THE BEST television show recaps for PR are written at the Television without Pity Go to the TWoP Project Runway Recap to read about about the last week's episode. Here is a preview of the TWoP excellent recap from Project Runway Episode 8: Jeffrey feels a lot of divine influence in regards to his participation on this show. If God let you get that moronic design tattooed across your neck, He's not paying much attention to how you do on the dress-up show. Love Television without Pity. Really can't stand Jeffrey. Who's with me?

Project Runway-Tim Gunn Bobblehead

Dear WTMs, If you read WTM during Project Runway Season 2, you know that I am a bit obsessed with the TV show PROJECT RUNWAY. Addicted, obsessed or crazed...I love the show. Tim Gunn is my favorite person on Project Runway. Tim is the BOMB and now my bliss is complete. There are Tim Gunn bobblehead dolls coming soon! You can pre-order you very own Tim Gunn bobblehead doll on the Project Runway website. Here is the description of doll via the Project Runway website: Trying to pull it all together in your closet? Now you can ''Make it Work'' under the knowing gaze of your very own fashion mentor with the official Tim Gunn bobblehead! Or use Tim as a chic hood ornament to ward off the unfashionable. Either way you'll ''carry on'' in style. The Tim Gunn bobblehead measures 7.5'' tall and is brought to you by PR2 alum Emmett McCarthy and the EMc2 design team. You can pre-order your Tim Gunn bobblehead now. The dolls go on sale in Late September. Buy one now before I buy ALL OF THEM.

Is Your Husband an Alien?

Dear WTMs, More scientific data from one of my favorite tabloids, Weekly World News. A recent story broke the news that as many as 5 million aliens are living in the United States. "As many as 5 million aliens are living in the United States after taking on human form," says Dr. James Kune, a physicist and former government UFO expert. "My research has determined that the average person has a 50-50 chance of being married to one." Dr. Kune says he has researched human-alien marriages for the past 10 years and uncovered at least 1,000 cases of aliens passing themselves off as humans. One of the most surprising findings in Kune's research is that these alien-human relationships are among Earth's strongest marriages. While the overall divorce rate for U.S. marriages is hovering around 50 percent, almost 90 percent of alien-human marriages last well beyond the so-called 'seven-year itch' that often marks the end of human-to-human marriage. Dr. Kune has several signs that point to your spouse being an alien: Alien husbands love to fix things around the house -- and actually repair what's broken instead of making it worse. "This is obviously a function of their highly developed mechanical and scientific skills," Dr. Kune says. "They usually have every high-tech power tool they can get their hands on, and keep it all compulsively organized." Alien husbands do not use the TV remote to "surf" at lightning speed through channels, but stop at each program to absorb the information before moving on. Alien husbands are energized and stimulated by physical contact with their wife. They often initiate long conversations after a lovemaking session, in order to better understand the experience. Alien husbands will ask for directions when they're lost -- sometimes. "A significant number are just as stubborn about it as human men," Dr. Kune says. "I suspect that a lot of aliens are on this planet only because they couldn't find their way to their planned destination."

Kill Me Now - It's Time for The Fundraiser

I swear, I can already see the shades being drawn as we leave the house. People cringing as we drive by. Normally friendly folks ducking back into their homes when they see us rounding the corner. That's right. It's FUNDRAISER time. That special time of year when we send our children out to peddle unwanted goods to all of our neighbors. "Hi. I'm Mary Margaret O'Malley, and my school, Most Holy of the Holier Than Thou's, well, we're doing a fundraiser to increase the size of our gym, so we can kick the living daylights out of our opponents again this year in CYO. In order to accomplish this noble mission, we're selling...candy, posters, magazines, popcorn (pauses for an exhausted breath...), trash bags, candles, Entertainment Books, grapefruit, books, doodads, you name it - if you want it - or even if you don't, we'll sell it to you!!!!!" Now, that's the way it comes out when Miss Minnesota or someone of her ilk delivers the speech. Here's how it comes out from the child who loathes the sale and anything to do with it. "Hi, uh, um, you wanna' buy some candy?" Yes, that's the way it sounds when a charmer like my seventh grader delivers the presentation. It's riveting. Now, don't get me wrong. She loves her school, and she wants the new gym just as much as the next dumb jock (don't even get me started...), but we've been through this sale for nine years now. And every year, we participate. Because that's what you do. And every year, we wind up with an ENORMOUS supply of candy/candles/trash bags/magazines/books/grapefruit, etc. to prove it. If we had a bomb shelter, we could store everything down there, and I think we could live pretty nicely just on what we sell (to ourselves, mind you...) to support the school. I am the only salesperson in our family. Everyone else in the family is horrified by the mere prospect of even approaching a neighbor's front porch - even to offer them a plate of cookies - just to be nice. It's out of their comfort zones. So, to ask them to traipse around the neighborhood and swindle unsuspecting people out of their hard-earned greenbacks? Not gonna' happen. Consequently, every year, before my kids have even made it out the door to get one sale, kids from other blocks are already making their way over to OUR block and hitting up our next-door neighbors - and US. I had two boys come by tonight, and I made my daughter (still in school uniform) come to the door with me, so they'd get the drift: "Sorry, no sale here. My kid's selling, too. See?" So, the one boy goes, "Hi, we're from Most Holy of the Holier...Oh...Do you go to Most Holy of the Holier Than Thou's?" (Super sharp, this one...?) Darling Daughter: "Yeah..." Super Seller: "Dang...Well, would you want to buy some anyway?" Tacky Princess: "Well, no, honey. She needs to sell, too." (like that's going to happen...) "But good luck!" You see, these kids were still just young enough to be hugely impressed by the prize offerings and the sales pitch by the marketing company that comes to the school. They get these kids so pumped up that they are absolutely certain that they are going to win a brand new flat screen HDTV for their rooms - not to mention pizza every night for a year. I'm serious. They are so dazzled by the sales pitch that they're like little robots for the cause. And yes, it is a good cause. But I soooooo hate turning my kid into a door-to-door Amway rep. (If you're an Amway rep, I'm sorry....) It's just such a mean way to start off the school year...unless you're Miss Minnesota...and you LIKE selling all this crap. And if that's the case, the neighbors on her block better close the drapes NOW!

Birth of a Saleswoman-WTM Style

School Fundraiser is going on at my 8 year olds school. As I have mentioned, she is an excellent but sometimes ruthless saleswoman. Her early training has given her an edge. I blame myself for her early training due to the fact that I had to travel one summer all over the U.S. due to a client weekend event promotion. Naturally I took them with me and they became excellent at selling tires to unsuspecting consumers. The CMO of the company wanted to hire them at ages 4 and 8. I blame myself for her early start but she does have the "sales" gene in her due to MY dad. But it's scary----dig if you will, the picture: Miss Minnesota/Margarita on the way to school this AM: Those neighbors just got the house painted AGAIN! Geez, Mom, they have been doing a TON of work to that house. You know, if they can afford all that work, they can sure afford to buy some stuff from ME for my fundraiser! Her comment is scary on a number of levels. Let's examine: 1)Obviously she has heard me talk (or bitch) about how expensive it is to do home improvements. 2)Her "Nosy Bula" nosy neighbor gene has matured and is healthy. I am this way too. Call it curious or call it NOSY---she's got it. 3)Her drive to sell stuff for material reward is quite developed. Again, this streak is from my side of the family. My husband is extremely hardworking but he is not as driven by the almighty dollar. My side of the family goes like this: Dad grew up VERY poor, worked very hard and did well for our family. My siblings and I were the first ones in his family to go to college. My dad was a small business owner and could sell snow to Eskimos. My sales skills pale in comparison BUT I have some of his skills. Miss Minnesota/Margarita could be the best one yet. Scary but once again, it's the mother's fault. God help the neighbors as she desends upon them this weekend!

Drop Kick Me Jesus Through the Goalposts of Life

Dear WTMs, The title to today's blog entry is actually the title of a Country and Western song from Bobby Bare. My brother used to SING "Drop Kick Me Jesus Through the Goal Posts of Life" to me to annoy me when I was growing up. Since I was a "C&W" music lover and he was a big brother, he used any and all means necessary to tease me. Now that the explanation is out of the way...I am once again blogging about the brink of the teen years. Today's incident with my "teen-to-be" reminded me of the toddler years...When this child wore nothing but red cowboy boots, a worn out "Lion King" shirt and her pj bottoms. I am not kidding when I tell you she wore NOTHING but the boots/shirt/pj fashion combo...For a month. I have mostly blocked out the toddler years for both my kids but today I had a "flashback" with my daughter. TTB (teen-to-be) is getting ready for school. She puts on a shirt she created for Girl Scout camp. Keep in mind we just went shopping and purchased some nice clothes, some "cool" clothes for her since she spent the summer in tennis shorts and a bathing suit. So she just got new clothes (which SHE even picked out). I mention to her (very nicely) that perhaps she should wear one of her new shirts. You would have thought I locked her in a closet and beat her with wire hangers! She was NOT snotty (thank God) but she seriously looked like I had slapped her. It was like I told her that we changed our minds and were dropping her off at the orphanage today. I quickly changed tactics. I decided that since the camp shirt was clean, covered vital body parts and had no bad words on it----to just let it go. Drop kick me, Jesus through the goal posts of life End over end, neither left nor to right Straight through the heart of them righteous uprights Drop kick me, Jesus through the goal posts of life

Now I Know Why Tigers Eat Their Young

Dear WTMs, My 12 year old is becoming a teenager. I know that Tacky Princess recently blogged about how sad she was that her daughter is going to high school. However, my house I am wondering if my older daughter will live to see high school. Of course, I am JOKING and I love my daughter with all my heart, as I always have. But let me just say that the transition into the teen years are not going to pretty at our house. Perhaps I should talk to my doctor about additional medication for me if the last few weeks are any indication. Sure, I would be in a a coma for the early part of her teen years but I would have teeth. The last few weeks have been spent totally GRINDING my teeth as a way of not completely screaming at this child/pre-teen/teenager to be. I remember 7th and 8th grade. Nearly everyone I know pretty much agrees that middle school or junior high pretty much stinks at one time or another. Unless of course you are the early bloomer who is usually also the MEAN girl..In which case you have a great time until 8th grade and then it's downhill from there. So I remember this age and how awkward it can be. I also remember that this is my daughter who got the spunk taken out of her two years ago and is still kind of raw. She is good and we are proud of her but the scars have NOT healed from the effects of the bullying and so she is extra sensitive. So I know all the facts I have just listed. But there are days..... There are days (for example, yesterday) that I just lose it. Dig if you will the picture: I am speaking to the guy that is fixing the new gutters to that NO MORE WATER leaks into our family room. So I am kind of interested in what he has to say. So there I am, speaking to the person that is going to keep our roof from caving in. The girls start to bicker and then one of them starts crying...All over a MOVIE. I thank the roof saver and calmly shut the door before the wrath of the WTM starts. I really cannot believe how quickly I turned into my MOM...Complete with gritted teeth and pointing fingers. It was quite ugly and I really hate it when I am such an uber-bitch mom. I have no guilt over the usual mom nagging but this was nuclear. I had just had it. The girls eyes popped out of their heads (even the 12 year old, who has seen EVERYTHING) and they were quite good the rest of the night and into today. But it really took it out of me! OMG getting that pissed off (it had been building) really drains me. Is raising a teenage girl really stressful or is it me? I need advice, WTMs. I need advice and another Margarita with my new best friend, Senor Patron.

The Beginning of the End...

Without so much as a glance over her shoulder, my Darling Daughter shot out the door for her first day of high school yesterday. With as much as I had been looking forward to the first day of school for the kids (read "counting down the hours, willing it to happen, checking my watch every 30 seconds, double checking that my alarm was set correctly..."), I hadn't expected the maternal pangs of anxiety that set in on me. My baby's in high school. Geez, that must make ME, uh...ANCIENT! Right before her ride showed up, I remembered our tradition of the annoying picture on the the first day of school. With this being a particularly momentous year and all, I zoomed back to grab the digital and clicked it on before she knew what hit her. Of course, as soon as she realized what I was doing, the groaning commenced. "Are you serious? I'm not three...or even six...I'm in high school, Mom. Wait, they're here. I HAVE to go!" "Just one picture. Come on. For posterity." This was met with a tremendous affected sigh and overly dramatic eyeroll. You know the kind. She doesn't believe the old line about her eyes sticking that way, so I'm toast on that one. The result was a blurred shot of something plaid turning to run out the door. Very nice. Now, don't get me wrong. I enjoyed the solitude of my day. No one to tell to turn down (or off)the television. No one to fix lunch for. - OK, I admit it. I, like the Queen of WT, pretty much leave my girls out in the cold when it comes to playing chef in the summer. We're probably lucky they haven't caught the house on fire! But I digress...No one's internet usage to monitor. Hmmm...yes, the anxiety is waning...now. But yesterday, I was in nostalgia mode. Back in the day, our eldest was fond of giving us little gems like...

• "I do not like the pool table - because it does not have ANY pink."
• "I am always right. But not Hayleigh. She's wrong - a lot."
• "What if we're all just God's big Polly Pocket toy? And he just likes to move us around a lot?"
• "How come the President doesn't wear any pink?"
• "NOOOO! Mommy, let me take the Band-Aid off myself. 'Cuz' I'm really good with Band-Aids - under socks - with blisters - and not much lights on."
• "Yes, we should so name the new baby broccoli." (her least favorite vegetable...)
• Giving direction to her younger sister... "NOOOO! Not like that! You're doing it WRONG! Like this. UGHGHGH! Let me do it, then. THIS is how you lick the envelope." - Licks the envelope and seals Grandma's card.
• And one of my all-time favorites..."I'm not going to get a big elephant for a pet 'cuz' a BIG elephant would shake the house, and you wouldn't be able to color because you couldn't stay in the lines. So, I'm going to get a baby elephant."

Yes, those were the days. When she was little, sometimes we could hardly shut her up. Yesterday, when she (finally!) got home, I said, "Just a second while I finish what I'm doing. Then, I want to hear all about your day," and walked out of the room. She called out after me, "Well, just so you know, there's hardly anything to tell...!"

When I returned, this is what I got. "We didn't really do anything - just getting to know each other exercises and stuff. And I need to go shopping for more stuff. Can we go after dinner?" This, as she coasted out of the room. Yep. It's the beginning of the end. Or is that a 'glass is half empty' mentality? Just a new phase. But before you know it, she'll be off to college, and I'll REALLY be crying in my coffee!

Best One Liners from "Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby"

Sure it is back to school week and there is alot going on. But a great way to waste time today is to bring all you WTMs some laughs with the best ONE LINERS from "Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby"! I have below some of the best one liners. I got the list over at my favorite movie site, PAJIBA.com. Here is the link to the excellent review by Dustin at Pajiba and after the review there are some great comments. I got the one-liners from the comments and have fun! http://www.pajiba.com/talladega-nights-the-ballad-of-ricky-bobby.htm Best One Liners from "Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby" "Help me, Jesus! Help me, Tom Cruise! Tom Cruise, use your witchcraft to get the fire off me!" "I can't control my heart rate, I've got a cougar on me!" "Dear Lord Baby Jesus, I want to thank you for this wonderful meal, my two beautiful son's, Walker and Texas Ranger, and my Red-Hot Smokin' Wife, Carley." "Chip, I'm gonna come at you like a spider monkey!" "I hope you both have sons! And they have no legs! Then you can feel my pain, and my hurt!" "DON'T YOU PUT THAT EVIL ON ME RICKY BOBBY" "I'm gonna scissorkick you in the back of the head!" "SHAKE AND BAKE!" "If you ain't first, you're last." "I wanna go fast." "Drive it like you stole it." "If you don't chew Big Red, then f**k you!" "If we wanted wussy kids, we would have named them 'Dr. Quinn' and 'Medicine Woman.'" "Hakuna Matata, Bitches". "Nope, from now on it's, Magic man...and El Diablo." "This sticker is inconvenient and dangerous, but I do like Fig Newtons." "I sent my application in to The Real World, and I'm pretty much putting all of my eggs in to that basket, the MTV basket." "If my MTV career doesn't work out, I was thinking I'd start selling crack. I would be like a laid back crack dealer, though. Nothing too formal. I'd just be like 'Hey boys, how's it going? Want some crack?'"

Second Season of Weeds!

Dear WTMs, The second season of the Showtime series WEEDS started last week. Naturally, since this is the WHITE TRASH MOM blog, my update about the show is late. I have blogged about this series before. The main character in WEEDS is played by actress Mary-Louise Parker. Mary Louise is the Land Rover driving suburban mom who deals pot to support the family after her husband dies. She delivers her products at the soccer games on Saturday (to the city council members) and gets into hillarious situations. I think this series and the main character (Mary Louise) is excellent viewing for all WTMs! Watch on Showtime tonight.

Hostess Ho Ho Snail Recipe

Dear WTMs, Since this is such a classy blog and escargot is a favorite of those who love fine dining...here is a great WT recipe to finish out the summer. Shock your kids into school mode by flooding their veins with sugar. Please enjoy the "Ho Ho Snail" recipe. Items needed: 2 Hostess Caramel Ho Hos 2 soft caramel candies 2 small candies (for eyes) Chocolate cookie crumbles With really clean hands, roll one caramel candy into a ball to warm it up. Form it into the shape of a snail's body. Since a section of ONE of your Hostess Carmel Ho Hos about a half inch thick to make the snail "shell". Place this slice on top of your snail's body. Place your snail on top of another Hostess Carmel Ho Ho. Attach two small candies to your snail's face for eyes. To make the "pond" for the snail, place four unwrapped carmel cubes on a small plate and microwave them for about a minute. Stir the melted carmel around on the place until it forms a "pond". Use about 3 tablespoons of crumbled chocolate cookies and place them around the edge of the plate to make the "banks" around the pond. Place your Ho Ho snail on top of the pond and serve. Wait 5 minutes and see your children go into a sugar induced state of madness. Then pour yourself a marg using Patron Silver Tequila. Enjoy.

But We LIKE Being Tall...

Have you ever been in the sort of situation where another adult is talking to your child in a tone of voice like she's giving motherly advice, only to realize she's a freakin' wack job? This happened to us just yesterday. We were (naturally) buying last-minute uniform shirts from the required store. They were all out of the size I thought my daughter needed, so she had tried on the next size up, which though big, was not ridiculously so. The shirts are 50/50, so they won't be shrinking, and the kids have to keep them tucked in. Plus, she needs to wear this particular style two more years. I figure with a little bit of luck, this may be our last round of red shirts with the logo. Anyway, I came back from discovering that the next size down was, indeed, sold out, only to find the saleslady chatting it up with my daughter. Here's how the convo was going... Darling Daughter: "Well, I think I'd prefer the next smaller size, since this is REALLY huge." (tugging at bulk of shirt to show how roomy it was inside...) Wack Job: How old are you? DD: (visibly blushing, as all adolescent girls do, when asked anything regarding their appearance) 12. WJ: WHOA! Heavens to Betsy, girl! (surveying her general length, loudly sucking in her breath, then letting out a slow whistle and shaking her head) Same thing happened to my daughter. (sees me now standing behind her and appraises my height, as well) Uh, yeah. Trust me. You are not done growing. How tall are you? DD: (smiling uncomfortably) Just over 5'10". WJ: Geezy Pete to Moses! Yup. My daughter's 6'2". Believe me. It gets better, hon'. Uh, did we say anything about strife/sorrow/a tough row to hoe? Stuff a sock in it, lady... (OK, so I wish I'd said that. Instead, I just stood there, giving my daughter what I hoped was a sympathetic look.) WJ: Yeah, trust me. You're growing. I know all about this stuff. My daughter. Geez. The memories. The tears. Phew. Glad that's over with. The boys - well, they're just jealous 'cuz' they just wish they were taller. And the clothes - never could find any to fit. Not to mention the shoes - Zappo. com, by the way. (turning away for a moment) I'll be right with you, folks. (Not to be deterred from her life's work, she zeroes right back in on us...) Sorry. This is really inappropriate (uh, ya' think?). I just try my best to help others out where I can and all. Having gone through this terrible time ourselves and everything. Man, I'm glad those days are gone. But trust me. Really. You'll get through it. Hey, you're a pretty girl. (What - are you throwing her a bone? LWTM (That would be me - Lame White Trash Mom...): When will the smaller size be back in stock? WJ: (incredulous) You're not seriously considering getting her the smaller size? OMG, this lady will not let it go! I could take her, ya' know? I may not be meaty, but I've got muscle! I've got like 5 inches on this woman! Who am I kidding? I AM meaty. And muscle? Maybe not so much. But I'm a WT Mom, protecting her young from a wack job. And I can take her. She's goin' down... WJ: Uh, Ma'am? Are you with me? LWTM: (leaning across the counter and speaking in a slow and measured tone of voice) I'll take these two today, and please hold back three of the smaller size for us when the backordered shipment arrives. And MA'AM? We LIKE being tall. We can always see over everyone at church. We can reach everything on the top shelf at the grocery store. We even help the little old ladies when they can't reach. We never have any trouble seeing over the fatheads at the theatre (ok, I know, that wasn't very gracious, but...). When osteoporosis takes its toll on my ancient old bones some day, I'll still be a respectable 5' 9" tall. We can always find our car in a parking lot. We can find each other in a crowd. And MA'AM? My daughter is so intelligent and so beautiful that it wouldn't matter if she were four and a half feet tall or six and a half feet tall. She will walk proudly to the front of the boardroom some day. That's just who she is. Mouth gaping, Wack Job rang us up and called for the next customer. As I turned around to leave, the lady behind me winked at me. Chalk one up for the WT Moms. I may be a slow starter. But once you wind me up, look out, ladies! :)

Karr is REALLY sorry about JonBenet Ramsey

Dear WTMs, If you are not in the mood to read a rant, then please skip my blog today. Because just seeing a picture of John Mark Karr boils my blood. John Mark Karr is the guy that was arrested this week for murder of JonBenet Ramsey. But according to the news reports, Karr is "really sorry" about JonBenet. Apparently the little girl's death was "an accident". Thanks John Mark Karr (WHY is it always the guys with the THREE NAMES?) for that touching confession. I am sure your sorrow is a great comfort to the Ramsey family. Oh...I forgot...JonBenet's mother died of cancer at the age of 49 earlier this year. Sorry to be so serious and intense today. But why do guys like Karr always seem to keep getting jobs where they work with children? Even after he was let go from a teaching job and even though people thought he was "odd", he still kept getting to work in situations around kids. You have to think that with all the opportunities he has had to be around kids that JonBenet is probably just ONE of his victims. I almost did not make this ranting blog entry because I don't want to give this sicko any more press than he is already getting. I just hope that he dies a very slow and painful death in prison, after spending many years with his cellmate, Boomer, a 280 pound guy who was molested as a kid and hates petophiles. After Karr's death, I want nothing more than for him to rot in hell. Forever. But that is just my opinion. What do you think? http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2006/08/17/national/main1905030.shtml http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20060817/ap_on_re_as/jonbenet_ramsey_suspect_interview See the links to some news stories about Mr. Karr. See you Friday!

White Trash Day of Mouring-The Day the King Died

Dear WTMs, I know I don't have to tell you WT fans what today. For those of you that new to the world of WT, today is a day of mouring. Today is the anniversary of the day that THE KING died. August 16th was the day that Elvis, the King of Rock and Roll, died at his home, Graceland. I think it was in 1977 or 1978. Please forgive me for not knowing. I always remember this day because it is also my brother's birthday AND my cousin's birthday. So how does ELVIS affect me, WTM? Because of all the contributions to the culture of WT, of course! Elvis was and is the King of Rock and Roll. I am not kidding about his real and true contributions to music and to pop culture. But if you are a fan of "WT" culture, The King had an even greater impact. Here is a very short list of some of the ways the King impacts our lives, even years after his death: 1. He squeezed himself into the white jumpsuits, despite extra poundage. If you go to any themepark in America, you will see thousands of people squeezing their behinds into spandex shorts that are two sizes too small. 2. He lived in a ranch home that had very bad decorating. Take a look at the McMansions everywhere in America for evidence of the King's impact. 3. He shot out his TV. Except for having to replace it, don't we ALL want to shoot our TV? 4. He started a new industry---think of all the Elvis impersonators that would be out of work had Elvis not lived and died? It would be tragic. 5. Big hair. The hair of the King during the white jumpsuit days was big and had lots of product. I think that says it all. 6. Excess is best. The King super-sized everthing...he at lots of sandwiches, drank lots of booze and took lots of drugs. Modern America is ALL about excess. Too much is not enough. My Catholic guilt is setting in. I really am sad for Elvis and his family at the way he died and the last years of his life. That part I am not kidding about. But you really cannot argue at the impact on our culture (or non-culture, if you read what the rest of the world thinks about America). So, WTMs, think about Elvis today. Make yourself and pb and bananna sandwich, squeeze yourself into some shorts that are too small, crack open a beer or a pop and toast the King. If you click on the title to this entry, you will be taken to a news story about Elvis. Countdown is THREE MORE DAYS until school. If it doesn't start soon, I WILL BE SHOOTING OUT MY TV!

North Woods - Part Deux - You Might Be A Yooper If...

Sorry for the lengthy hiatus. I think the Queen is right and that I, too, was abducted by aliens. Either that, or my kids were, and the aliens made a mistake and brought them BACK. Personally, I am of the opinion that if they take my children, they should have to KEEP them. Especially at this special time of year when everything they do is so endearing. :) The countdown is on - S minus 5 (school starts in five days!). So, getting back to the North Woods. Thanks to the person who commented about getting the Itch. Yes, it really does exist, and yes, isn't that charming? Nothing like a little goose poop in an otherwise crystal clear lake to enhance your enjoyment of the summer months in the UP. What I'd like to focus on this time is the overall attitude / "climate" of the UP. If you are not from this "neck of the woods", it really is hard to do this justice, but I will try, my WT comrades. Do bear with me. You see, Yoopers are a whole different breed altogether than you and I - and proud of it, I might add.

You just might be a Yooper if... You go to bed in, wake up in, spend the day in, go back to bed in and wake up again in the same clothes. And by golly, those clothes were good enough for the last two days, so why not go for a third? You collect every piece of trash like it's worth a brick of gold. After all, if you send it out with the garbage, it costs you money, since every piece is weighed on pick-up date. If it can burn, melt or smolder, it goes on the fire, baby. You judge a grocery store by the price of kerosene for your lamps. Your snowmobile cost more than your kids' college education. You have the most teeth of anyone in your family, and that's twelve - top and bottom. Your car's "Check Engine" light came on in 1989, but you know that's just a scam to get you to take it in to the dealer, so you just keep adding the EZ Heat and keep on keepin' on. A Pasty refers to nothing of an unseemly nature, and you even salivate at the mere thought of them! Your spandex leggings have worn through the inner thighs, but you figure it's only you, the chipmunks, the mice and the bears out there, so what da heck? A big outing is a trip to St Vinny da Paul's for some "new" clothes and whatever else you might find. Other Yoopers' trash is your treasure!

By the same token, if your clothes match, that's a modern day miracle (read: mistake) and practically an embarrassment to your kind. Striped shirt, plaid pants? You bet! On the other hand, you might be a Lowper or Troll (Can you say Lower Peninsula SNOB?) if... You look down on anyone who lives north of the Bridge (to Mackinac Island) A cabin in the woods is defined as anything with less than 3,000 square feet and only two bathrooms. Roughing it means going without your hair straightener for the weekend. Camping entails taking the Escalade anywhere over 20 miles outside of the city and staying in someone's second home that has a woodburning stove or at least a fireplace. A hike is what you take to find a place to smoke where "the wife" won't catch you. Yoopers. Lowpers. Two different types of people from two different places. A different world. More another day. S Minus 5, ladies. S Minus 5. We just might make it...

How to Know if You've Been Abducted by Aliens

Dear WTMs,

Feeling blue? Tired? Sure, it could be the fact that your kids need to be in school but it could also be aliens. I got a very excellent and highly scientific article through my subscription at KEEP MEDIA. But it was originally written by reporter Nick Jeffery from one of my favorite publications, WEEKLY WORLD NEWS. If you don't read WEEKLY WORLD NEWS ,you really should start. This newspaper is in my WT Hall of Fame.

Here are some of the HIGHLIGHTS of the article for your reading pleasure. Enjoy! MOST people have been abducted by aliens, say some UFO experts -- so odds are you're one of them.

"Extraterrestrials possess the ability to wipe human memory clean," said Dr. J. Albert Longneck, a UFO investigator from Houston, Texas. "You could be kidnapped once or twice a week and you wouldn't remember a thing."

But there are detectable signs that you've been taken aboard a spacecraft and examined, according to Dr. Longneck. Here is a revealing excerpt from his upcoming book Did I Forget I Was Kidnapped By Aliens? •You're drunk a lot -- Aliens take advantage of boozers because they're used to forgetting huge blocks of time and some really embarrassing stuff, said Dr. Longneck. ETs appreciate drunks because they don't have to waste their memory- wiper ammunition, which is expensive. They pick up a lot of people stumbling out of bars.

•You find a lot of puncture marks in your arms and you can't remember injecting yourself -- "These are from routine alien blood tests," said the expert.

•During an X-ray, your doctor discovers you are missing an internal organ you know you were born with -- "A lot of times aliens take out spleens, a lung, a kidney, an appendix so they can examine them closely," explained Dr. Longneck. Despite their advanced intellect, sometimes they simply forget to put them back.

•You cut yourself and your blood is green -- "This is when they've accidentally sucked out too much of your blood and had to give you a blood transfusion from their own blood bank," explained the expert.

•You look in the mirror and see that your nose is suddenly smaller -- "Many extraterrestrials are interested in plastic surgery techniques and will try them out on their captives," said Dr. Longneck.

•You suddenly discover you are missing a limb -- "You know you started out the day with two arms and two legs, and yet, when it's time to go to bed, one is missing," said Dr. Longneck. "This is an indication they have kept one of your

FYI-My favorite part of the article is if you "discover that you are missing limb". Actually if you are a parent, this actually could be kind of a surprise since you never focus on yourself.

Erma Bombeck Guilt Grabbers

Dear WTMs, Since I have been yelling at my kids so much lately, I thought I would share with you some great "guilt grabbers" from the master of motherhood, Erma Bombeck. These "guilt grabbers" are from her book, MOTHERHOOD, THE SECOND OLDEST PROFESSION. I'm going to send all of that food you left on your plate to all the starving Armenians. Do you want mommy to leave the house and never come back? If you sleep with dogs, you get fleas. You are going to drive me to an early grave. Be glad I'm screaming, when I stop... This is the last time I am going to beg. Just keep playing with matches and you'll wet the bed. That's what you get for not listening. I'm only one person. Happy Sunday, WTMs! Talk to you Monday!

Signs the Kids Need to Go Back to School

Dear WTMs, August is a month of conflict inside my WT heart. On one hand, I am sad because it is almost time for the kids to go back to school. On the other hand, if my kids don't get back in school soon, I will need a room at Shady Brook Farm where I will be making potholders all day. It's a tough one. With the girls back in school that means that I am back in school too. The routine starts over and the nightly battles of showers, homework and activities begin. I like the fact that summer is a break from all of that. On the flip side, my kids are starting to show the signs that they are bored and have WAY TOO MUCH free time on their hands: Symptom Number One They look at me with their eyes practically rolling back into their heads and sigh "O-KAY" when I ask them to do something mundane, like take out the trash or fold laundry. Symptom Number Two They are slipping back into the false impression that they need to have 24/7 entertainment provided for them. And they keep asking when we are going on another VACATION! Add to this symptom the fact that "Miss Minnesota/Margarita" child has taken to using the crystal wine glasses for her drinks. AS IF! Symptom Number Three The girls fight about the color of the sky and just about everything else. "The sky is blue" "No it's not...it's sky blue" "I SAID it was blue and that covers all the blue colors including SKY blue" "Does not" "Mom, she is being MEAN...." It usually at this point in their "exchange" that I usually scream something like: "fortheloveofGODwouldyougirlsquitbickering!Doyouknowhowluckyyou areandifyouwanttobeunhappyaboutsomethingIwillgiveyousomething tobeunhappyabout!" Or, something along those lines. After reviewing this post, I realize I am no longer conflicted about the kids going back to school. Thank you for allowing me this therapy. Countdown is ten days until school starts, probably roughly the same for most of you WTMs. Let the games begin! What about you guys? Are you READY?

North Woods Primer

Have you been to the North Woods? No, I don't mean the stretch of highway just outside of your suburban area. I'm talking about the North Woods of Michigan. Now, some would argue that those are not the true North Woods...they'd tell you the North Woods are only found in the state that begins with "W" where everyone walks around with cheese on their heads. Poppycock. Our North Woods are of mythic proportion to our family. And they exist in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan. Now, they haven't always been so special to our family. In fact, our first trip there was something of a shock. It was some years ago. And I have to tell you. Tacky Princess was not prepared for all the nature. For all the spiders. For all the mice. And mosquitoes. And general lack of...facilities. Ah, this takes me back, WTM's. And I'm really not sure I'd call them the good ol' days. Those of you who have been with us for a while know that there was a time when I was dangerously close to the dark side of Muffiadom. Well, when we first visited the North Woods, I was still there. Let me lay the scene, if you will... Piling into our van, we crammed suitcase after suitcase filled with everything we owned. Having heard that it can actually snow in the U.P. (forever after referred to as the UP) even in late July and August. So - we needed parkas right along with our swimsuits. Uh huh. I'm not joking. When we arrived, I discovered what outdoor facilities meant. OUTHOUSE!!!!! OK, you can take the Tacky Princess out of the city, but it's darn hard to take the city out of the Tacky Princess. I'm all for scaling back and all, but schlepping outdoors to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night (which you inevitably have to do if you've had any children and/or are over the age of 30 and/or don't do your Kegal's faithfully...) - OMG. That is painful. And to a city girl like me. It's downright scary. I know. I'm a whimp. Then, there was the bathing situation. You guessed it. No running water. Bathe in the ice cold lake. Our cabins are a 10 minute car ride from Lake Freakin' Superior. Can you say, "Arctic"? Try shaving your legs in that water. So, the first time I was heading into the lake outside our cabins to take a dip / shower / shave, my host says to me, "Oh, don't forget to hustle in to avoid the itch. Once you get in over your shoulders, you don't have to worry about it." "The what?" certain I had misunderstood him. "The itch. Didn't Susan tell you?" "Uh, no." "Yeah, sure she did. You know, get in super fast, so you don't get the itch." OK, so now my skin was starting to crawl. "Um, no, I'm pretty sure I would have remembered a conversation about something called the ITCH. Why don't you fill me in?" "Well, it's just that the geese poop in the lake and all, and the first twenty feet of water or so can make your skin itch all over. It's not dangerous or anything. No big deal, really. Just hurry in." "It makes your skin itch. . . All over? How long does this last?" "Not too long - maybe six or seven hours. But really, just forget about it. I shouldn't have even mentioned it. Sometimes it's not even a problem." (Visibly freaking out now...) "Oh, that's ok, I think I 'll just wait a while." We're going to be there six days. Thoughts start racing through my head. Which is worse? Not bathing or getting "the itch"? I'm truly not certain, but I sure as hell don't want this "itch"! Would you? I walk back up to the cabin, reporting to my husband that I will be smelling like B.O. for the remainder of the trip, and there's nothing he can do about it. Furthermore, he will learn what it's like to live with Mountain Mary because shaving is now out of the question. Like you can do that while in the water over your shoulders. Keep in mind this is all on our first afternoon in the Woods. As dusk falls, I realize that the one "light" in the big cabin is only enough to light a small area in the kitchen. I likened going upstairs to the four bedrooms to going through a haunted house at Halloween. Dark, unknown, no idea what might be coming next. Stuff everywhere you turn. 1 AM - Daughter has been crying inconsolably for two hours. Scared. It's too dark. Not used to the creepy sounds (nature is scary...). Sounds like frogs, mainly. She can't get to sleep. I'm afraid she's keeping the other seven people upstairs awake, too. 2 AM - Daughter finally falls asleep - in our bed - there are now three of us in a double bed. Very comfy. I am wide awake. Nature is so very restful. What is that awful smell? Oh, goody. I think it's me. 3 AM - Have to pee like a racehorse. Willing it to go away. Damn those vodka tonics. I figured they'd make me sleep. What was I thinking? Should have known I'd need to get up. Periodically, I hear a scurrying around downstairs - I'm hoping for a mouse, but Lord knows what it is, and I can't go down there. I'm such a wuss. 4 AM - God, kill me now. If I wet this bed, I will never forgive myself. Will blame it on our precious inconsolable daughter. Never mind that the stuffing is coming out of the mattress, and it smells of mildew. This isn't my place to soil. 5 AM - OMG, OMG, OMG. This is hell. WT hell. Where is a #%**$ toilet when you need one? Can no longer turn over in bed for fear of leaking. Would slit my wrists, but razor is still outside from failed bathing attempt. 6 AM - Sun is rising. Courage returning. Bears probably sneak off when it's light out, right? Along with the Boogey Man? Geez, what a wuss... 6:15 AM - Hubby wakes up; bounds out of bed to go outside to take a leak. I beg him to wait for me to slither out of bed (avoiding leakage...) and go with him. Safety in numbers, right? Must continue tomorrow. Sorry so long. This is making me have to go to the bathroom. In the one with the real live flusher. And electricity. And a mirror. And a shower - with razor. And fan. Ah, the luxury...North Woods Part Deux next time... :)

White Trash Mom Quotes Bill Cosby

Dear WTMs, Today I am not buying school supplies for kids today. Or getting school uniforms ready or really doing anything productive. Today I was procrastinating and found some old music archives on my computer, including some comedy routines by Bill Cosby. You should be able to click on the link below or the link in today's blog title to hear the whole track but this routine from Bill Cosby's album/CD called HIMSELF. It is one of the funniest routines I have ever heard relating to parenting. It is old but classic. A brief sample from the clip I have linked below, this bit is called "The Grandparents": Because of my dad I thought my name was JESUS CHRIST. That's all I ever heard. My brother Russell thought HIS name was DAMMIT! My dad would say: DAMMIT will you stop all that noise! JESUS CHRIST sit down! One day I was out playing and my dad said: DAMMIT will you get in here? And I said: Dad, I'm JESUS CHRIST! Hope this link works (it is supposed to). Hope you think it is funny because I think it is great. Will post later but had to share this! The Grandparents

White Trash Etiquette-Dr. Verne Edstrom, Esq.

Dear WTMs, We have the WT Hall of Fame Movie list. But there is a new book that needs to go in the White Trash Hall of Fame . The book is called White Trash Etiquette by Dr. Verne Edstrom, Esq. and it is a totally awesome book, very funny. I first heard about this book when "Dr. Verne" was interviewed, along with yours truly, in the Washington Post in March. We were both interviewed about the new "Trailer Park Chic" trend. See blog entry from March 18 about the article or I will have a link later in today's entry to the article. White Trash Etiquette is LOL funny with such great tips such as:

• The proper way to fake a back injury
• How to prevent your in-laws from stealing the silverware at wedding receptions
• I'm getting married; can I still wear white if I'm a tramp?
• How do I pick a good bail bondsman?

Click on the title of today's blog entry to go to a link to read more about White Trash Etiquette.In addition, I will have the book link on my blogroll from now on. Finally, I will even go so far to say that this book by "Dr. Verne" could be one of the most critical elements of any good WT home (along with a copy of "Raising Arizona" and a microwave oven). Read this excellent book along with your cold PBR or maybe a cold margarita. PS-Here is link to the "Trailer Trash Chic" article. http://www.whitetrashpalace.Washingtonhtml

White Trash Mom Interview with Magazine

Dear WTMs, I love magazines. I especially love home decorating and home magazines. If purchase enough of these home decor magazines, then I will somehow transform my home into more of an orderly, well decorated environment. That is my theory, anyway. One of my favorite magazines is DWELL. Dwell magazine has the coolest stuff in it and it is mostly for modern style design. I love it and in my next life I want to live in one of those cool loft type spaces with lots of built ins. As I was scrubbing my kitchen cabinets last night(a sobering task) I had a fantasy of what it would be like if one of the home decor magazines interviewed ME about my kitchen decor. Here is my fantasy interview with Tom and Mimi from Cool Home Decorating magazine: Tom: WTM, we LOVE the faux effect you have on your cabinets...how did you do this? WTM: That effect is actually dried on ketchup. I find that if I leave the ketchup on the cabinets, for say, three to four weeks, the liquid dries and becomes cement like. The cabinet you are looking at was decorated by my 8 year old, Margarita, when she and her friend decided their Barbie needed "blood" for an emergency surgery. The Barbie lived but they used an entire bottle of Heinz. Tom: Fabulous! Mimi: And I LOVE what you've done with your kitchen ceiling! The faint brown spots mixed with the white is so modern looking. WTM: Thank you, Mimi! That effect is actually a FADED effect made by my older daughter, the Director, and my nephew! They shook a 2 liter bottle of Grape Fanta up and it sprayed all over the kitchen ceiling! If you look closely, the pattern looks a little like Elvis, don't you think? Mimi: Tres Chic. Tom: We've so enjoyed our time with you, WTM. Can you please tell our readers how you did that unique wall? WTM: That wall is by my phone desk in my kitchen. I painted it with Magnetic paint and added magnets so that our family could leave messages and be creative all at the same time. However, my children and their friends use the wall to create vulgar sayings that embarrass me because I don't notice it until Grandma and Aunt Nellie are here for Easter Brunch. For example, this magnet says "I LOVE BIG BUTTS". Mimi: Wow.

White Trash Summer Vacation

Found this card in a pile of old pictures today. It is from that awesome line of cards, mikwright, that uses old family pictures for their greeting cards. If you can't read the picture I have the front of the card below: AND DAD SAID: IF I HAVE TO TURN AROUND ONE MORE TIME---WE'RE GOING TO DROP ALL OF YOU OFF AT THE NEXT REST STOP AND GO ON WITHOUT YOU! The inside of the card reads: My summer vacation was fun. We went to the washington monument. My sister got cramps. My brother lost his retainer. Mom cried alot. Dad took us to an orphanage. Just a nice and dysfunctional summer vacation thought from white trash mom. You can find other twisted cards from mikwright by going to www.mikwright.com!

Talladega Nights, The Legend of Ricky Bobby

Dear WTMs, New movie for the WT Hall of Fame. Last night I saw the new Hall of Fame selection, Talladega Nights: The Legend of Ricky Bobby. There are SO MANY one-liners from this movie that will be quoted from this movie! If you like really stupid humor (a la Wedding Crashers) then go out TODAY and see this movie. Naturally, I saw it on opening night but will probably drag my older brother to see it this weekend, as he and I both are incredibly immature when it comes to our humor. If you want to know more about the movie, please click on the title to today's blog entry and you will be taken to THE BEST MOVIE REVIEW SITE IN THE WORLD...Pajiba. Dustin and the peeps at Pajiba pretty much dictate my media habits (except for Project Runway) and their reviews are LOL funny (and rather mean at times but that's the fun of it)! Go to Pajiba.com to read the review or click on the link in the title. If you want a good belly laugh, go directly to the multi-plex, get an $8 slushie and some nachos and have yourself a great time! Let me know what you think.

Ding Dong Recipe & Kid's Sleepovers

Dear WTMs, My healthly food phase lasted almost 48 hours. It is now back to the normal WTM food fare. I have three reasons for posting this Ding Dong recipe today: 1)Due to the many WTM reader requests. 2)Due to the fact I am craving chocolate today. 3)Due to the fact that I no longer care if my kids eat right since they both had sleepovers last night and I want to give both of them away so it really doesn't matter what they eat. Here is the Ding Dong recipe: Ding Dong Dessert Sandwich Items Needed: 1 box Hostess Ding Dongs 4 oz. cream cheese 3/4 c. powdered sugar 6 oz. whipped topping 1 small pkg. white chocolate (chocolate or vanilla) instant pudding 1 ½ c. milk 1 pkg. chocolate chips DIRECTIONS: Mix powdered sugar, whipped topping and cream cheese in a bowl. Add more or less cream cheese, sugar or whipped topping to desired consistency. Set aside in the refrigerator for 10 minutes. In a separate bowl, prepare instant pudding according to directions and place in refrigerator for 5 minutes. Next, slice the Ding Dongs in half and lay them cream-side-up on a plate or serving dish lined with wax paper. Layer pudding in the middle of ½ Ding Dong and spread out to the edge of the snack cake. Add a layer of chocolate chips and a final layer of cream cheese, whipped topping and powdered sugar mixture. Place the other ½ Ding Dong on top of the layers and voila…a Ding Dong sandwich. Add a final layer of cream cheese, whipped topping and powdered sugar mixture with chocolate chips on top of the treat. Repeat. Place in freezer overnight before serving Would I REALLY give my previous lambs away? Of course not. I would naturally try to SELL them on E-Bay. I AM kidding. But seriously, why in the hell do I agree to have sleepovers? Both of the girls, especially my older one, are SO CRANKY the next day that I curse myself every time I let them have a sleepover. Then the horror of the post-sleepover fades (much like the birth experience or the terrible twos) and I let them have another one. AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Lying to My Children for Health Reasons

Dear WTMs, Due to my WT mothering skills, the girls have some pretty bad eating habits. I do try to have lots of fresh veggies and fruit around to balance out the LUNCHABLES and the fast food meals but I have been inspired lately to actually try to do better. Call it the heat, call it guilt...I don't know why I am on this mission but the good mother genes are kicking in and so I am trying harder to make at least ONE meal a day that is healthy for the little monsters. The problem is that the girls don't LIKE food that is not heavily processed with lots of preservatives. All that MSG laden stuff that makes everything taste so good! Anyway---they are picky so like a good mother I pathologically LIE MY BUTT off when I try to serve them good food. Turkey Burger Meat substituted for Hamburger Meat I can't let the