Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Photoshop Makeover - Before/After Retouch Of Model

Read this WT Sisters (and Brothers) if you think that models in ads and magazines are "real". Think again. This ad from Dove and their Campaign for Real Beauty does a great job of revealing how photos of models and celebrities are unrealistically modified. This is on You Tube. Watch this for :30 seconds. You will be amazed. Go here for the link or paste in the url below into your browser. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aHLpRxAmCrw Good job to Dove for this campaign. I am glad to see it. Basically, normal women compare themselves to a standard of unrealistic beauty...that comes from Photoshop.

Sunday, December 17, 2006

Hostess Twinkie Truffles

Hostess Twinkie Truffles A recipe for Hostess Twinkie Truffles for a holiday dessert! Here is the wonderfully WT recipe using Hostess Twinkies. Tacky Princess and her holiday baking have inspired me to give you another WT holiday recipe. As we all know, the Hostess line of food products is a white trash kitchen staple. For this reason, I am giving all you WT cooks out there another use for the ever popular TWINKIE. Click the link and enjoy!

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Size 12 is Too Big

Here's an example of the insane standards of "beauty". Top picture is the beauty contestant that is "too large" and the BOTTOM picture is the model that was considered to be ideal. This story is a true story from the DAILY MAIL, in Great Britain. Link to this story by clicking on today's title, Size 12 is Too Big. Here's a quick overview for you:

Poured into a gold swimsuit, Make Me A Supermodel winner Jen Hunter looks as if this outfit was custom-made for her.

But the one-piece triggered a furious row about stick-thin models when her rival finalist Marianne Berglund appeared painfully underweight in the same attire.

Jen Hunter, age 24, is a contestant on a British Reality TV show. She's a healthy size 12 and was reduced to tears by judges, who gave her harsh words because she "wasn't taking the exercise and diet program seriously". Can you believe this! If this isn't just a snapshot of how sick and twisted things are....I don't know what is. Talk to me people.

Monday, December 04, 2006

Welcome to My Trailer Park

Dear WTMs, Sometimes when I write about my white trash life, you might think I am kidding. However, if you look at the snow fort that was left in my front yard----this is the view from the street----you can clearly see that the only thing missing from this picture is the car on the cinder blocks. This is what remains of the front yard snow fort on Monday AM. My girls and neighbors built this fort AND a backyard fort over the weekend. The snow was wet and perfect, they had a blast. Here are two more pics of the fort. http://www.flickr.com/photos/whitetrashmom/ I did not see this masterpiece until Sunday, as it's in the front yard, east side. It's not that our yard is so huge---I am just lazy and didn't go over there. I asked the girls about it and they said that "Dad said we could leave it up". I was horrified for about 10 seconds (what would the neighbors think). Then I remembered the words of my very wise husband: Memories are the most important gifts we can give our girls. My husband is so good at this and has created so many good memories, especially at the holidays for the girls. He is so wise at knowing when it's right to let the "rules" relax and when to stick to them. I am more laid back with the kids overall. But he is the genius that knows when to let them make a mess, helps them make the mess and LOVES to encourage them to do stuff will make awesome memories for the rest of their lives. It is this reason that he really is a better parent than me, although I would never admit this fact to him. During the holiday season, the man puts me to shame, honest to God. I tend to look at the snow and the fact that my good glasses are left outside and I start to get peeved (I know who is going to help them clean it up). But Tim reminds me that especially at holidays, we need to "make the memory". He reminds me that the girls aren't with us all that long and that once they get older, they won't want to do these things. He instantly helps me realize how precious these times are and to let the rules go. I know today's post is so very sappy but I wanted to explain just how wonderful my husband is and I knew you WTMs would get a kick out of the scene in my front yard. Happy Monday!

Saturday, December 02, 2006

Ah, the Snow Day

Ah, the Snow Day. The kids are outside romping in the beautiful white snow. Me inside baking ginger cookies and sipping hot chocolate, watching fondly from the frost-covered windows. Wishing it could go on like this forever. AS IF!!!!!!!!!!!! That would be the Lisa from PB Kids scenario. You know the one where everyone and everything looks, smells and acts perfect all the time? Here's the real deal... TP: Why don't you go play in the snow? It's beautiful and perfect for sledding. Thing 1: I don't have any snow pants. TP: That's no problem. Just put some extra layers on. That's what we always did. Thing 2: And I don't have any good gloves for snow. Mine are too small. TP: No problem. You can borrow mine. Thing 2: Uh, Mom. Your hands are like a giant's compared to mine. TP: No problem. Just stuff some Kleenex in the ends. That'll keep you even warmer. (smiling...) Thing 1: And I need a shower (this, as if a sudden epiphany...). TP: No problem. You can take it afterward. That makes more sense anyway. Thing 2: But I don't have any friends in the neighborhood. TP: No problem. You have a built-in friend right here. Your sister. (smiling...) Thing1: Mom, it's like, totally freezing out. TP: No problem. That's what your new coat is for. It's got that cool Thermo-nuclear-insulate-layer to keep you toasty warm, remember?! Thing 2: And my boots don't fit. TP: No problem. You can wear your sister's old ones. They should be just right by now. (smiling...) Thing 1: I don't have any snow pants. OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm going to have to beat them. Seriously. Call Social Services. I can't be held responsible for my own actions any longer. The smile is creasing my face and causing me serious pain. My face might just crack. Pass me the Senor Patron, Queen. It's my turn... So, I finally manage to shove them out the door after about an hour of tussle. (No, I'm not kidding...) I sit down at the computer to get a little work done, thinking maybe some of my day can be billable after all. NINE minutes tick by on the clock. The back door flies open. Thing 1: (Covered in snow) I have to go to the bathroom. (Of course, you do. You are Thing 1, and that is your M.O.) She proceeds to strip off the 14 layers of clothing that took her one hour to put on...and heads to the bathroom, which is all of 6 feet away. Thing 2: (Shrieking into house, directly followed by dog, who is quite literally covered in huge globs of snow. Dog is grinning from ear to ear...) Oh my gosh, it is, like, so, like freezing out there. It could, like, freeze your nose, like, right off your face. This from the child who has on her lightest weight winter coat, no scarf or hat and the pair of makeshift gloves her child-abusing mother made her wear. Her hightop's are soaked, and she collapses onto the mudroom floor, as if she has just run a marathon in the snow. Thing 2: I'm done. It's, like, way too cold. Yep. That's it. 9 minutes of respite for over an hour of hellish preparation. Thing 1: (coming out of the bathroom) What are you doing? Thing 2: I'm done. It's, like, colder than the arctic out there. Thing 1: Yeah. I don't have any snow pants anyway.

Monday, November 27, 2006

HBO "Thin" -Real Life is More Painful

Over the Thanksgiving holiday I saw some pals from college. One of my friends lives far away and I get to see her about once a year. My friend had bulimia in college----and still fights that battle, twenty years later. Call me shallow but when I was in college, it was not that big of a deal to be anorexic or bulimic. Nearly everyone I knew was on diet, a lot of people had done the "scarf and barf" method of weight loss prior. WT Campers---I am not saying it was right, I am just telling you the way it WAS. At the sorority ( "Delta Delta Delta-Can I Help You Help You Help You") the bathroom by our chapter room was for "Scarf and Barf". It was widely known and accepted that the chapter room restroom was pretty much just for the sisters that barfed up their food. Insert dorm or sorority---it was pretty common everywhere. There is a point here. The point is that the weight/thin issue has been on my mind a lot lately.
  • I have an almost 13-year-old girl who is not "concentration camp" thin----and I have trouble finding her clothes!
  • I have an 8 year old that can wear a size SMALL---for Women's t-shirts!
The documentary that is on HBO has brought a lot of this to the forefront and gotten people talking. But when I saw my friend from college...I just have to tell you that it just HURTS ME TO SEE HER STRUGGLE WITH IT STILL. My friend is accomplished. She has a beautiful family. She is a wonderful giving person. If she could only see herself how others see her...she would realize that she's beautiful inside and out. I know she is still struggling with bulimia (even though she tells me she's fine, tells others she is "over it") I can tell BY HER TEETH. Her teeth are discolored and it is one of the telling signs of someone that is throwing up alot. I know that her obsession and illness is going to take her from this world earlier than she should go. Throwing up on a consistent basis is not healthy and this will do her body harm in ways that have not shown up yet. You can't do that kind of damage to the body without harm. I know this is a rant but I am just so sad. I wish things were different. I wish something could be done so that so many women did not feel the pressure to be perfect, thin. Does anyone have any ideas, thoughts, opinions? Help me try to come up with some positive ways to combat this trend. I can't just sit and watch anymore.

Sunday, November 26, 2006

Only a Friend Would Dress Your Kid Like a Hooker

Only a best friend would dress up your child like a hooker. We spent part of the weekend with some of my best friends-----I've known these friends since I was 5. I am now 43. Do the math and you'll come up with years of dysfunction, fun and laughter. One of these BF's is Godmother to my youngest daughter. These two women and their families are considered family by my kids and it was great to see them. There is only one drawback. My friends have no young girls. One BF has a college age daughter. The other BF has a son in 4th grade. Therefore, it is way fun for them to play dress up with "Miss Minnesota", my 8 year old daughter. Miss Minnesota is now the proud owner of a pair of black high heels with a "peek a boo" toe. She wears them 24/7. She tried to wear them yesterday to 5 o'clock mass. I was so proud. Did any of you experience family fun like this? Spill it sisters.

Friday, November 24, 2006

Pug Bowling

Pug Bowling is a great time waster! I am a pug owner and pug addict. But this video clip is toooooo funny, even if you are not a pug addict. Go here to see PUG BOWLING. No pugs were harmed in the making of this clip. Watch entire thing----it's worth it.

Friday, November 17, 2006

Like I Have Time For That...

PB's ideas for the kids before the Thanksgiving meals are a completely foreign idea to me. The idea that the person who is preparing a two-legged beast, mashy pote's, stuffing and pumpkin pie for 23 people to nosh on has even the slightest bit of EXTRA time on HER hands (c'mon, you and I BOTH know it's the women preparing these feasts...) is so funny that I forgot to play the laugh track. I spent nearly all of my day off yesterday baking 6 pies. I spent most of the rest of the day pondering how I would be handling preparing the remainder of the meal in addition to the dessert - THE MOST IMPORTANT PART OF ANY MEAL, IN MY HUMBLE WTM OPINION. Fortunately, I am not the illustrious hostess - this year. My side of the family's celebration is THIS weekend... and while I am no Martha Stewart, I CAN cook AND bake, in spite of my WTM status (which, I obviously wear proudly). However, as I find myself with a miserable cold at the moment, I am moving at the pace of a 78 year old tortoise. It's not pretty. I complete a small task and then have to take a little break - or, worse yet, a nap. It's pretty pathetic. Anyway, a CRAFT for the little kids to work on while the hostess is finishing preparing the meal? So they can slime the table with glue? So they can whine that their turkey doesn't look like the one in the pretty picture in the magazine? So they can pull on my apron strings to ask for help and make me liable to do things that will garner me a visit from Family Services? Thank you, NOOOOOO! Who are these people kidding? What planet are they living on? Maybe they live in the UK, where they don't celebrate Thanksgiving...or, maybe, as the Queen of WT herself has suggested in the past, they have a slew of robot-like servant types who cater to their every whim. Wake up, and sniff the craft glue, PB. Get a dose of reality. And while you're at it, check the turkey to see if that little red thingey has popped out yet, will ya'?.

Thursday, November 16, 2006

Pottery Barn versus Reality-Thanksgiving Craft

Dear WTMs, I journey once again into my love/hate relationship with Pottery Barn. Today's "PB vs Reality Moment" is Pottery Barn Kids Thanksgiving Craft. Per the "PBK" website, those zany folks want you to spice up your kid's holiday table with homemade centerpieces! According to "PBK" it helps the children feel involved and gives them something to do! I can't imagine a more stressful way to kick off the holiday than to give children glue and scissors before the meal. White Trash Mom has some questions for the peeps at Pottery Barn Kids regarding the nifty craft idea:
  • Who is going to take little Tommy to the ER after Molly pokes him with the scissors?
  • If they kids want to be involved, why not involve them in cleaning the guest bathroom before company arrives? Guest bath is currently a Barbie pool so taking the naked Barbies out of the sink would be nice.
  • If kids want something to do, why not have them help Mom and Dad with the Thanksgiving meal? Or at least get Uncle Bob a beer from the frig while he watches the football game?
  • Glue before a meal? If they eat the glue, they won't eat their dinner.
  • What do you suggest when the newly created centerpiece becomes a football?
  • My nephew thought it would be funny to make the turkey anatomically correct. Would you like to take a photo of his centerpiece for next year's catalog?
  • Do you have any other completely insane suggestions from LALA land?
If you want to read more about the "PBK" craft idea, please click on today's blog entry title. If you can't tell, I think a craft centerpiece created before the meal sounds like a slice of HELL. Please tell me what you think. Am I negative? Wrong? Anyone? Bueller?

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

White Trash Mom Holiday Shortcut #1

Design Mom has given us a shortcut to having the kids make holiday cards. Design Mom's tip is right here. Besides saving us time and effort, Design Mom has given us another tool in our WTM war with the "Muffia"! Can you imagine how upset the muffia moms will be when you, the WTM, send out your Christmas cards with awesome kid artwork? It just puts me in a holiday mood!

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Spam Burrito for Pesky Relatives

Dear WTMs, Are you dreading the holidays more than usual this year? Are you stuck with unwanted house guests (your 2nd cousins, your senile uncle and his 3rd wife)? White Trash Mom has the answer! Make sure these annoying family members don't stay at YOUR HOUSE next year! How, you ask? It's simple. Feed them really BAD food. You don't have to be mean or make your home a pigpen---just have two or three days of really bad chow and they'll be sure to call your SISTER next year! One excellent recipe to drive away the free loading relatives is....the popular Spam Breakfast Burrito. YUM! More recipes coming as we count down to Thanksgiving...WT style!

                          SPAM BREAKFAST BURRITOS
 
Recipe By     :
Serving Size  : 6    Preparation Time :0:00
Categories    : Main Dish                        Breakfast

  Amount  Measure       Ingredient -- Preparation Method
--------  ------------  --------------------------------
   1       cn           SPAM Luncheon Meat, cubed
                        -(12 oz)
   4                    Eggs
   2       tb           Milk
   1       tb           Butter or margarine
   6                    Flour tortillas (6")
   1       c            Shredded Cheddar cheese,
                        -divided
   1       c            Shredded Monterey Jack
                        -cheese, divided
                        CHI-CHI's Salsa to Taco
                        -Sauce

  Heat oven to 400'F. In bowl, beat together SPAM, eggs,
  and milk. Melt butter in large skillet; add egg
  mixture. Cook, stirring, to desired doneness. Fill
  each tortilla with SPAM mixture and half of cheeses.
  Roll burrito; place seam side down on 12x8" baking
  dish. Sprinkle remaining cheese over top of burritos.
  Bake 5-10 minutes of until cheese is melted. Serve
  with salsa.

Monday, November 13, 2006

Pottery Barn Versus Reality During the Holidays

Dear WTMs, I pick on Pottery Barn. I especially pick on PotteryBarnKids. I am a hypocrite that I rant about PB & "PBK" since I also covet their products. There is a point here. The point, dear WT Readers is that while I want their stuff and I am a card carrying member of the PB customer club, PotteryBarn and Pottery Barn Kids represent the retail side of the PERFECTION MYTH. The big lie. You know what I am talking about. The lie that all of us modern women got spoon fed during the "women's lib" years...that you can "have it all" AND that you can have it all while you:
  • make buckets of money
  • are concentration camp THIN
  • bake homemade bread
  • design craft projects for your kids
  • speak Mandarin Chinese fluently
  • romp like a sex kitten with your man
I don't blame Pottery Barn for the big lie. However, I would like to point out the following Pottery Barn Versus Reality Holiday Moment. Today's "PB vs Reality Moment" is the picture of the PBK perfect Thanksgiving table for the kids. Picture from PBK shows the children laughing and playing at the festive and fun decorated table for the children (all the perfect adults are in the other room, with Norman Rockwell). It's perfect, it's wonderful...it's a complete and insane fantasy. Here is why it's a fantasy:
  • None of the children are picking their noses
  • The children are not squabbling
  • All kids have clean, non stained clothing
  • None of the older kids are trying to sample Uncle Jack's "toddy"
  • There is no dog nearby getting fed under the table
  • No children are whining
  • No one is sick (there is always a sick one, every holiday)
  • And finally---the plates and utensils actually match.
Anyone? Bueller? What am I missing? Chime in!

Center for the Prevention of Shopping Cart Abuse

Dear WTMs, Mondays stink. Here is a really stupid website that might bring a smile to your Monday. Center for the Prevention of Shopping Cart Abuse.

Saturday, November 11, 2006

Watch Out Pet Food Pranksters!

Dear WTMs, Read in the news about a guy that sued for $2.7 million because someone tricked him and served him dog food as a prank. While I am not trying to take away from this man's situation (sounded like more than just a prank), this $2.7 million dollar verdict strikes FEAR into my WT heart because of all of the MEOW MIX incidents that I have masterminded and been a part of over the years. Confession time. It's pretty clear I am a little immature since I named my blog White Trash Mom. But what you don't know is that I have, on many occasions, tricked people into eating MEOW MIX by mixing it with CHEX mix...As a JOKE, a prank, a lark. Starting in childhood, we would regularly do this to my older brother and his friends. Fast forward to college and adult life----this practice continued even into my late 30's! I had a client that I worked with for many years, that was almost as immature as I was. Therefore, we would regularly prank eat other, with the "Meow Mix-Chex Mix" as one of my standards. This means that NOT counting my brother (due to the sister-brother NO SUE clause) that I could be sued by a number of my brother's friends, various sorority sisters, friends and even my former client. Clearly I need to start raising my legal fund NOW. Are there any other PET FOOD PRANKSTERS out there? Confess now and let's help each other raise money for legal aid.

Thursday, November 09, 2006

Dysfunctional Family Letter Generator

Dear WTMs, I know it's far too early for WTMs to be thinking about holiday cards. However, I found this on DIGG----The Dysfunctional Family Letter Generator. An excellent way to waste time and laugh. And not too far from the truth---am I right? Enjoy my sisters in WT! Go here to waste time!

Monday, November 06, 2006

Trust but Verify-Kid Sick Days

Dear WTMs, As I have mentioned before, the idea of "Trust but Verify" is a big part of my parenting philosophy. The phrase "Trust but Verify" was used by The Gipper, President Ronald Reagan, when talking about the evil Red empire of the Soviet Union. President Reagan said that he TRUSTED them...But he did not trust blindly. He checked up on them. I find this phrase helpful in parenting. As a youngest child of the family, I was able to weasel out of many things. As a former "weasel" child, I am a natural skeptic when it comes to sick days for my kids. My younger daughter is home sick today. She was up and down last night with an upset stomach and a bad headache. Gave her kid Tylenol and let her sleep on the couch downstairs. However, this AM, I tried to "break" her. Sure, she said she was sick----but I applied just a little pressure to the situation to see if it was a scam. Naturally, we lost the thermometer (again) so I could not check the fever. Dig if you will, my version of "Trust but Verify": "Trust but Verify" Sick Day Treatment: WTM: So...You're sick today? You don't feel any better this morning? Miss Minnesota/Margarita: Yup. WTM: You know if you miss school today, you can't go to SusieQ's house Tuesday for that playdate? (Please note: I am not that harsh---this is a ploy to see just how sick she is) Miss Minnesota/Margarita: I know, I don't care. WTM: And you know you are going to have to stay in your room most of the day, no TV. (Note: As if! Again, this is a tool to get the truth) Miss Minnesota/Margarita: Yup. Usually by the second or third question, the girls will either "break" and confess that they are not that sick OR if they don't, I can see that they really ARE sick. This ends the interrogation. What do you guys do to determine "sick day health"? Would love some tips from other WTMs. They are smaller and younger and smarter than us.

Duct Tape as a Babysitter?

Dear WTMs, Another story about a great American mother.

Quizlaw brought a news story to my attention. Quizlaw is a great blog, if you don't read it.

The story-There was a recent Florida incident where a mom used DUCT TAPE her kids together while she went to work. Another case study for mothers that should not have kids. Luckily, neighbors heard the crying children and called the police. You can read the story of this mother of the year by clicking on today's title "Duct Tape Babysitting".

The incident is scary and horrid enough...but my peeps at Quizlaw (always twisted) began offering the QUIZ LAW BRAND BABYSITTING TAPE.

I am not laughing at child abuse. But the "duct tape as a babysitter" is so wrong...and so stupid that it is a ripe subject for dark humor. Anyone? Bueller? And is it me or do more of these incidents seem to happen in Florida?

Thursday, November 02, 2006

The Mommy Blog-Melinda Roberts

Dear WTMs, One of our own is a published book author! Melinda Roberts, who writes THE MOMMY BLOG, has a new book out! Book is called MOMMY CONFIDENTIAL: Adventures from the Wonderbelly of Motherhood. Melinda was really helpful when I decided I wanted to write a "WTM" book. You can read more about the book, go to an online store to purchase it HERE. The last email I got from her, she said that AMAZON.com was going to start selling MOMMY CONFIDENTIAL in November. I just wanted to do a post about my friend as I think it's great. Check out the book and her blog!

New Fun Friends at the New School!

Dear WTMs, Are you with me on the magnet? I have some excellent news from my daughter's new school. She is doing great, making friends and is very happy. Let's chalk one up for the home team. I have even found some potential mom friends that I think I could hang with! It's not like that is a priority in picking a school but it does help to have some buddies so that I can get the lay of the land at the new school AND it's just nice to have friends. I don't dare say it...don't dare hope...but I think they could even be...WHITE TRASH MOMs. I don't want to get all psyched up yet. It's still early and I am still pretending that I am relatively normal. CLEARLY have not spilled the beans on the WTM blog yet. Will keep you updated.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Catholic Holy Day-All Saints Day

Dear WTMs, I am Catholic and today is a Holy Day (All Saints Day). In my own WT way, I am being a good Catholic by sharing with you a recent Catholic joke I received from one of my best friends. You Catholics will enjoy this one: SITTING BEHIND A COUPLE OF NUNS AT A Detroit Red Wing Hockey GAME (WHOSE HABITS PARTIALLY BLOCKED THEIR VIEW), THREE MEN DECIDED TO BADGER THE NUNS IN AN EFFORT TO GET THEM TO MOVE. IN A VERY LOUD VOICE, THE FIRST GUY SAID, "I THINK I'M GOING TO MOVE TO UTAH , THERE ARE ONLY 100 NUNS LIVING THERE." THE SECOND GUY SPOKE UP AND SAID, "I WANT TO GO TO MONTANA , THERE ARE ONLY 5O NUNS LIVING THERE." THE THIRD GUY SAID, "I WANT TO GO TO IDAHO , THERE ARE ONLY 25 NUNS LIVING THERE." ONE OF THE NUNS TURNED AROUND, LOOKED AT THE MEN, AND IN A VERY SWEET, CALM VOICE SAID, "WHY DON'T YOU GO TO HELL . THERE AREN'T ANY NUNS THERE." Those of you who had any contact with nuns during your school years KNOW just how true to life this joke is. Clearly those Red Wings fans were NOT Catholic! Happy All Saints Day.

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Pink Flamingo Crisis

Happy Halloween. Or Happy HELL-O-WEEN as I like to say. Only a few more hours until our kids will be high on so much pure sugar they will take a week to "detox". WTMs, there is a WT crisis going on that you may or may not be aware of. I am talking about...the Pink Flamingo crisis.

On this day of Halloween, we all need to take a moment and reflect on the closing of the company that produced the ORIGINAL plastic pink flamingo. The pink flamingo, a WT cultural icon beloved by shallow and tacky Americans everywhere...is on it's way to extinction. I don't need to tell my WT readers what a serious matter this is.

Here is the story about the pink flamingo crisis, from one of my favorite websites, IMPROBABLE.com.

Read the info at Improbable.com but to sumarize: Union Products Inc., the original manufacturer of the plastic pink flamingo, will close its doors by Nov. 1, according to the company’s president.

It's a dark day in WT America my friends. Pop open a cold one right now in your trailer and remember the good times.

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Muffy's Daughter Needs Physical Therapy

I'm such a clutz that I recently fell off a piece of exercise equipment. I think I was so proud of myself for actually making it to the gym that I got too big for my britches (if that isn't a play on words...), forgot what I was doing, and fell. The result, much to my dismay, was that I had to get some physical therapy on my ankle. Well, the last time I needed any of that was over 15 years ago after a car wreck. Man, those places have changed. They're kind of glitzy! So, it's my first visit, I'm standing at the counter, waiting to be acknowledged after having signed the obligatory sheet of paper. And in walk a mother / daughter combo, the likes of which I haven't seen since the 1970's. I kid you not. It was like something out of a time capsule. (Can you say Dallas? Dynasty? Knots Landing?) Mom's makeup is so thick that it makes my face hurt just looking at it. And I swear that 9-year-old had on blush, mascara and lip gloss. EE-oooh. She had obviously come straight from school, as she had her backpack, it was the middle of a weekday afternoon, and she was talking about what happened at school that day. What transpired next made my toes curl. The mom, let's just call her Mary Kayte... She brushes right past me - all five foot two of her. I swear, I thought she was going to step right on my bare, flip-flopped toes with those spike heels. Then, I really would have needed therapy...So, she brushes past me and proceeds to start in on the receptionist, for whom I have been patiently waiting. "Excuuuuuse may." (thick Southern drawl) "Ashley Carter is here for her appointment with Gary." (flashes me a perfect-toothed bleached til-they’re-painful white smile) "Hah...how're yeeou?" "I'll be right with you in a moment, Mrs. Carter..." (Mary Kayte purses her lips at the mere thought of waiting even a moment...) Feeling invisible, I continue to stand there, patiently awaiting some sort of direction. My appointment was to have begun 8 minutes ago, but I figure it looks like a busy place, the phone has been ringing incessantly, so it may be a little while longer. "Excuuuuuse may...Aysh-ley's appoh-eent-munt with Mr. Gay-ree was s'post-to start three minutes ago. Ahh don't hay-uv all day, yeuuw knoooow." "Mrs. Carter, we'll be with you just as soon as we can, ma'am."(Mary Kayte looks down at her insanely long - not to mention thick - nails and clucks her tongue.) Turning to me...and this was classic..."Way-ull would you look at thay-ut? Ahh just got these duhn today, and ahhl-ready thay-ur gittin' all scuffed up! Ask me, that's the sahn of a bay-ud manny." Affecting mock horror, I smile sympathetically. (Come on, what else can you do?)"What's a girl to do?!" "Ahh know!" Then, she turns back to the receptionist, who has, by then, fielded about 20 phone calls. "May-uhm. Is it almost Aysh-ley's turn? She's got cheer in anoth-uh ow-uh and a hay-uff." (Receptionist turns to me and gives a most apologetic look...then back to Mary Kayte) "Yes, Mrs. Carter, Lee is ready for Ashley now." Mary Kayte's head snaps up, her nails grow about another half an inch, and sparks fly out of her eyes. After the head-spinning ceases... "Ex-cuuuuse me. Did you say Lee? Ahh specifically asked for Mr. Gay-ree. Aysh-ley hay-uhs to hay-uhv Gay-ree." (crosses her arms, rests them on her bejeweled chest and proceeds to stare the receptionist down) At this point, Ashley hops up from her seat where she's been playing with her Gameboy and does a backbend, thus providing comic relief for me - but not her mama. Then, she does a Russian (think leaping with legs spread eagle in the air). I am almost beside myself. I can hardly suppress the urge to laugh. It's like she's trying to provide a distraction from the scene that she KNOWS her mama is about to create. "Well, Mrs. Carter, we'll have her back on with Gary for next time, but for today, she'll need to see Lee." Mrs. Carter proceeds to throw one – helluva – hissy-fit. I'll dispense with the Southern vernacular to avoid this taking too long to read... "Do you realize that Regionals are in November? " pause "And right after that comes Nationals. And mark my words, she's GOING to be ready." (Pan to Ashley: Back flip. Splits. Winning smile...) "Ashley, settle down...And she can't recover with just anyone. She knows Gary, is comfortable with Gary. Give Lee to someone else, and give Gary to Ashley. Ashley has only a few weeks left to kick this injury's butt, and she gonna do it, too, mark my words, as God is my witness." Receptionist starts to speak, but Mary Kayte has not quite stepped down from the soapbox... "Do you realize that Ashley gets up every morning at 5 am to go practice with her coach for two hours before school? And she's got 4 dance classes per week - not to mention tumbling." Cartwheel...Roundoff. "Ashley, so help me, you are gittin' on my last nerve. I said settle...Period...Now, I'm not going to let some nitwit's scheduling error mess up my little star's shot at Nationals, so just get Gary out here, and let's get on with it!" Splits, arms in the air, wild grin upon her young face. Receptionist, with eyes bugging right out of their sockets, replies with measured words: "Mrs. Carter, Gary called in sick today, so Lee will have to take Ashley this one time, and then we'll be back to normal next week. OK?" "Honestly, you'd think you people could take your jobs more seriously. You're messing with people's lives here...Ashley, come on, Peanut. It's time for your therapy. Go on in. Thank yeeeouu." Flashes those pearly whites, fluffs her sprayed-into-submission bob and marches into the workout area. "Tacky Princess, thank you for your patience, we're ready for you now." OMG.

Dear Abby vs White Trash Mom

Good Afternoon to all the WTMs:

Today I read DEAR ABBY. Here is one of the letters with her reply. After you read her reply, please read White Trash Mom's reply. I am confident that you guys will agree with me. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I are in our early 30s, with a 2-year-old daughter and a baby on the way. Both of our parents live eight to 10 hours away by car, so there is limited exposure to both sets of grandparents.

The problem is my father. Dad is very physically affectionate, even against the will of our daughter. For example, if she walks past him, he'll grab her and squeeze her and kiss her while she struggles to break free. It's all in the spirit of a playful hug, but it bothers my wife and me to hear and see our little daughter say "No!" and struggle to get away while he says things like, "No, I'm not going to let you get away. This is what a granddad does."

My father imposes the same behavior on me, coming up behind me and forcibly hugging me while I cook, wash dishes or some other task. When I say this makes me uncomfortable, he either acts offended or makes fun of me. His aggressive demand for physical affection is becoming an issue with us. But when we say things like, "Let her go" or "Respect her boundaries," my parents make light of the situation. In fact, my mother said on her last visit, "Your daughter HAS no boundaries!"

What can we do to protect ourselves and our kids from my father's aggression without hurting his feelings or starting a fight? -- ANXIOUS DAD IN OHIO

Here is the reply from DEAR ABBY:

DEAR ANXIOUS DAD: Perhaps back in the day when your parents were raising you, children didn't have boundaries, but times and circumstances have changed. Today, parents teach children to assert themselves if someone's touch makes them uncomfortable so they will be less submissive if an adult tries to take advantage of them.

There may not be a way to protect yourselves and your children from your father without "hurting his feelings" or "starting an argument." People as insensitive to the feelings of others as he appears to be are usually hypersensitive when it comes to their own.

Because your father (and mother) refuse to accept YOUR boundaries when you ask him to let your daughter go, recognize that his time with your children should be severely curtailed until they're old enough to fight him off. And the next time he grabs you from behind, don't "suggest" that it makes you uncomfortable; INSIST that he let you go.

DEAR ABBY has been giving good advice for years. I can't say that her advice is not good. However, White Trash Mom, has a little different, a more DIRECT approach communicating with "Anxious Dad" about his creepy dad and mom.

DEAR ANXIOUS DAD: Quit being a wuss! Your dad and mom, while I am sure they don't realize it, are being totally creepy. Okay---I am being NICE when I say that they don't realize it. They probably DO REALIZE it and they don't care! People that say things like "Children Don't HAVE Boundaries" make me break into hives.

I question whether or not you have explored all the "issues" that you have with your dad, if he comes up and GRABS YOU and you don't feel comfortable----and you're a grown man. Think of how bad it makes your little girl feel!

Get a backbone for God's sakes! If it creeps you out-----it has to really upset your daughter! I understand you don't want to create conflict but the creepy parents you have are acting like bullies-----and bullies respond ONLY to force. I understand that things change with generations but they don't respect you or your family. Protect your daughter.

Monday, October 23, 2006

Muffia Headquarters-DISCOVERED!

Dear WTMs, I now know the location of "the muffia" headquarters. The evil ones operate at a small, out-of-the-way grocery store and deli, near my favorite liquor store. Read on for details....if you dare. I went to my favorite liquor store today to stock up on my best friend, SENOR PATRON. As I mentioned in the previous post, it's been a MONDAY. I took a proactive approach and decided to go to the liquor store early in the week. Monday, after all, is close to the weekend. If you look at it from a certain point of view. My favorite liquor store is not that close to my house BUT they are nice and most important....they take checks. A key factor when dealing with a WT shopper like me. After writing a sizable check for SENOR PATRON and other "friends", I decide to dash in to a nearby grocery store. It's not my usual grocery...this store is a little smaller, more "exclusive" than the coupon palace that I usually frequent. When I entered the store....my WTM instincts went into high gear. I sensed...DANGER. Despite the fact that I had showered AND groomed today, the muffia immediately knew that someone from the outside, someone NOT from the mothership, had invaded their territory. I even looked a bit "muffy-esqe" today in my pants, shirt and sweater. But all the same, the evil ones knew that I was a WTM. My smart ass smirk and really brown hair "roots" were a dead giveaway. As I quickly walked through the store, grabbing my ding dongs and fruit roll ups, the muffia silently watched me. Unlike most of them, I actually had to be somewhere. So I raced down the aisles, at lighting speed and then I noticed....I swear to GOD I am not kidding...one of the "Queens" was following me. Really. Queen Buffy was by far the loudest of the crew and I knew she was one of the leaders because only a leader could dress that badly! I could hear her from two aisles over discussing the "hellish remodel" that she currently has going on-----and she was wearing a paint spattered shirt(multi-color coordinated) and sweats to prove how DIFFICULT her remodeling was going. Anyway---"QB" followed me, I kid you not, for over two aisles. She started by the frozen foods and was on my ass all the way to the coffee and bread section. As I was in the check line and I could see the door, I decided to get a little SASSY. I spoke directly to the muffia mom and her toddlers in front of me. WTM: Your daughter is really sweet. How old is she? MUFFIA MOM AT CHECKOUT: (Has "deer in the headlights" look on her face, panics and looks around ) Chesterfield is 18 months. Barley is 3 years. WTM: She'll be grown up and living with her boyfriend Steve in his conversion van before you know it. HAVE NICE DAY!

Monday, October 16, 2006

If Shopping is a Disease, I'm Terminal.

Dear WTMs, Apparently compulsive shopping is more common than anxiety or depression, according to a new study released by doctors at Stanford University. The study says that 1 in 20 adults suffer from an addiction to shopping. There are some medical professionals that want to classify shopping addiction as a true medical disorder----right up there with Bi-Polar Depression! Yippee! Good news for the white trash credit card chargers (like me)! The cherry on the cake of this NEWS story about "shopping addiction" comes from one of the best ever sources for American life, "NEWS OF THE WEIRD".

When Lucille Schenk finally sought help for compulsively buying jewelry, New York psychologist April Lane Benson advised her to have a "conversation" with the jewelry before she made her next purchase, as a way to put some distance between herself and her compulsion. "I would say, ‘You are so beautiful, I can’t live without you; I love the way you sparkle,’" recalled Schenk, 62, in an interview. "The jewelry would say back, ‘You need me. You look pretty when you wear me.’ I would say, ‘I do need you. I can’t possibly think of being without you. But something has to change. I need to stop this. I can’t afford a penny more.’"

There is really nothing to say in response, is there? I have an idea for Ms. Schenk. Next time she has an urge to purchase jewelry, she could just pay ME the money and I COULD TALK TO HER (instead of the jewelry).

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

White Trash Mom Flunks Out

Dear WTMs, If I had to go back to 7th grade and if I had to take 7th grade math-----I would flunk out. Completely. My 7th grader, at her great new school, gets hellacious math homework. I am not only NOT a HELP to my daughter with her 7th grade math homework questions-----my advice actually caused her to miss several questions on a test. I am 43...and I can't do 7th grade math. This should not be a surprise since I totally stink at math and if not for Microsoft Excel® and a calculator...I would pretty much be locked out of a job. But this year, it's not like I can even look up the concept and help her with the problem she's stuck on. Now I look up stuff and I misunderstand it---and I tell her to do it incorrectly. HELP! OMG, I feel so very stupid. I really do. Last night there was some hellish math AND then some science FORMULAS. By her bedtime, I needed a Tylenol PM. My head was pounding. Give me your wisdom, WT sisters and brothers. I need to hear some good news. I need to hear that I am not the only one that would actually flunk 7th grade.

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

House of Appliance Hell

Tacky Princess here. Back from the depths. Of family drama. And computer hell. And currently (and always...) living in House of Appliance Hell (hereafter referred to as HAH!). You see, it's not enough that we live in an old house. OK, not ancient. But old enough that it has continual problems, as older homes will have (need a new furnace, need to fix the foundation, need to fix the roof...you get the idea - not cheap stuff.). And we keep up with those, 'cuz' we like to stay warm and safe and dry (and we don't want our neighbors to egg our house...). But Lord, almighty, the appliances...I don't know anyone who has the luck we have with appliances.

In a few shy of 20 years of marriage (child bride), we have managed to blow through:

  • 4 Coffee Makers
  • 4 Toasters (and none of them really worth a damn, including the current model)
  • 4 mini vac's (and that's saying something since we've had outside help with our cleaning for the last 14 years...)
  • 4 Electric mixers
  • 4 can openers
  • 4 microwaves (one actually CAUGHT ON FIRE - that was our signal it needed to be replaced!)
  • 3 Dishwashers (one actually CAUGHT ON FIRE - no that's not a misprint - it, too, caught on fire - different house - different occasion - sparks flying out of dishwasher)
  • 3 Irons
  • 3 Waffle Irons
  • 2 Griddles
  • Oh! And we can't forget the untold numbers of cordless phones. OMG! I'd be willing to wager that we've gone through a minimum of 14 cordless phones. That's almost one per year. Unbelievable. I continually find myself saying, "I'm sorry, could you hang on while I switch to a different cordless? This is the old one we bought three months ago, and it is just shot." Which is met with, "Oh, yeah, I was going to say: You sound like you're in a can... You keep cutting in and out... Are you calling from the UK? Are you on your cell? You sound like you're in a tunnel...in a vacuum...in a box." You get the picture. Very pleasant. And this on a 3 month old phone.

Generally speaking, we buy name brands, and most of the time, I even do a little research before we buy. After all, when you live in the HAH!, you can never be too cautious. But it doesn't seem to matter. Everything breaks.

There is one exception. Old Faithful. Our washer. From 1892. Uh huh. 1892. It came with our first house. The seller was marrying a sugar daddy, and he already had the best of everything, so she no longer needed her top drawer 1892 Roper. Yep. Roper. Ever heard of it? We hadn't either. We figured it probably wouldn't even make it when we moved it to our second house, but lo and behold, we hooked Old Faithful up, and she started going - full blast. It wasn't until she got to the spin cycle that we noticed something was a little off. Well, that might be a bit of understatement. Let's see. How shall I describe it?

Think back to your days of the pre-college exam. ACT...SAT. Now, remember on the SAT - the verbal section? Come on, dig back. You can do it. Exercise that old gray matter! OK, are you with me? S-T-R-E-T-C-H! OK, Verbal section - Analogies. I know, college was a long time ago. But this is fun, right?! Here we go...

Rock concert is to World War III as Tacky Princess's washer is to a Boeing 737 taking off

Have you wrapped your brain around that one? Are you getting the mental picture? Since we moved over 10 years ago, our washer has sounded like a Boeing 737 taking off outside of our kitchen (where the laundry room is). Now, I'm all for having the laundry on the first floor, but if you heard this washer...

If someone happens to be doing laundry when we have guests over, and the spin cycle comes on...OMG! The alarmed look that comes across their faces. You can tell they are sure that we are under terrorist attack. All conversation must cease. The floor / furniture / windows shake. The CD that's turning might even skip. When the cycle is over, we calmly explain the situation. Our guests give us that "you poor saps" look and politely excuse themselves. Why, you might ask, don't we replace it? Well, it WORKS fine. It's just noisy (and annoying) as hell. There are other ailing appliances in the HAH! that demand our immediate attention (and monies...). So, how can we justify $600 or $800 for another new one unnecessarily?

And when my Big Strong Man is out of town...well...let's just say, it can keep a girl company, if you know what I mean. HA!

Friday, October 06, 2006

You Can't Fix Stupid

Dear WTMs, Per one of my favorite blogs, CeleBITCHY, an update on Britney's husband, K-Fed: Here’s K-Fed partying it up in Vegas. As D-Listed points out, that stupid custom bling looks like a Pepperidge Farm Chessman cookie. Page Six reports that philandering K-Fed, who is currently partying with random women while his wife tends to their one year-old and newborn baby. The gurus at CeleBITCHY go on to tell us that K-FED will make about $10 million bucks if he and Brit split. I feel the need to write Britney a letter from her mentor, WT Mom. Stay tuned.